May 29, 2005

One of my favorite posts....

I posted this one in August at the old site.... I am not really in a blogging mood so I am recycling this post.

Why Jess No Longer Has Any Dishes
I recently went out with a psychotic woman. Nothing new they seem to be attracted to me. This one got mad because another girl called my cellphone at about 1:00 AM. This is not a big deal I thought, hell, I am not even dating this one we just went out for dinner and drinks. She suddenly got very quiet. Then I believe that I saw Satan in her eyes, really quite scary.

She was very quiet for a while then asked me if she could have a glass of water. I said no problem, that I would get it. She insisted that it was fine, and that she was an independent woman. So I let her go to the kitchen, then I hear glass break. My first thought is well she must have dropped one. Second thought oh well, its just a glass. Then more breaking, then just a huge crash. Then more crashes. I run in and she is literally breaking every dish that I have in my cupboard. Then she turns looks at me calls me an asshole and starts pulling artwork off the wall.

I am at a quandary here.... Not only do I live in a second story apartment but it is mostly seniors at the complex I am at. Time is now 2:00 AM. What to do? She then grabs liquor bottles off the counter and they go crashing to the floor. She then grabs the olive oil, crash. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what she is going to do next either. So then she goes over to my wine rack, and those hit the floor. I think, damn, what would Tucker Max do? The strange thoughts that go through your head. I am trying to calm her down... Then my cellphone starts vibrating in my pocket again. Oh no. I am damn sure not going to answer this one. She then tipped my dresser and grabbed the last plate, that was thrown at my head. I deflected it with my arm, and sat down in disbelief.

She then told me "you will call me again, I am sure." So I took my cellphone out erased her phone number and asked her to leave. She then stated "I think you have a drinking problem." I had just met this girl. I told her that " I have a problem and she will not leave, drinking, how can I? You smashed all my alcohol." She left crying. Now maybe I am wrong but she had nothing to cry about.

I called my housekeeper at 7:00 AM and told her that I would pay her triple to come clean. She agreed. This should and would be the end of this story except that I was having lunch today with the Missing Link and Pooh Bear and she called. I of course was not answering this call period. She left me a message saying how much she missed me and all that. I hope she does not know that I am in town. Scary woman, seemed so polite when I met her.

The moral of this story is watch the polite ones with too much peppiness. You may not have dishes if you don't.

Posted by Jess at May 29, 2005 03:32 PM
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