Washington, DC
President George W. Bush announced today that Karl Rove his Deputy Chief of Staff did indeed leak the name of C.I.A. agent Valerie Plame. Bush insisted that Rove had done nothing wrong for Howard Dean, a dark wizard that now is in charge of the DNC, placed him under the imperius curse. “Dean and his democratic followers are evil. I would definitely compare them to the quote un quote Death Eaters of the Dark Lord Voldemort Hussein.” Said the wary looking president.
When asked how the administration had found out about Rove’s being cursed Bush curtly said, “There are tests a great wizard like Harry Potter, me, or the late Albus Dumbledore can do. We can tell an evil doer when we see them, er… well when we rub our wands on them.” Rove appears to be doing well with his treatments and is expected to be released from St. Mungoes hospital in London later this week.
A shock wave seemed to hit the nation once word spread about the president's advisor being under the influence of an evil wizard. Rumors around Washington D.C. are already flying about Bush being a squib or non-magical person born to a magical family. Gangus Carlson of Macon Georgia reacted to the president’s announcement by saying “Hmm. Do you think the first lady is a witch or did Bush marry a mud blood? I doubt it, now that Teresa Heinz Kerry she was definitely a witch. Did you bring the cheetos Frank?”
Howard Dean reacted by screaming “No comment.” Senator Dick Durbin (D) IL mentioned Bush’s remarks and Dean’s reaction in a speech today that took place in an empty Chicago men’s room. “I call a few Republican’s Nazis and the dark lord uh I mean Howard Dean banishes me to this bathroom. That Bush called us evil like the death eaters and all that punk can manage is a gawd damn no comment. Bush just admitted he is a wizard, nail him Howie nail him”
In other news President Bush announced today that he will be out of the country on a diplomatic mission. Apparently after reading the Harry Potter series Bush is convinced that he is a wizard as well and is headed to King's Cross Station Platform 9 and 3/4,to get aboard the Hogwart's express and then to embark on his magical education at place called Hogwarts.
*Legal Notice*
Satirical, so relax.
Honest, Jesse, that is truly the funniest thing you have ever written. Really. THE FUNNIEST.
Dang.