August 31, 2008
Major Reconstruction
Here at our humble abode, but never fear we did not hire Halliburton on a "no bid" contract, so we should be back up soon....
We may even have some help aroung here, who knows.....
How bout them apples?
August 30, 2008
Meanwhile, back at the ranch #4
Bought my live blogging pass for the RNC on e-bay. I unfortunately have to go by the name McCainisthemostkickassdude dot blogspot dot com, but well ya know... A guys gotta do what a guys gotta do.
More later.
August 29, 2008
Fridee Random 10
1. Jay-Z - 99 Problems
2. Dave Matthews Band - Stay (Wasting Time)
3. 3 Doors Down featuring Bob Seger - Landing in London
4. The Doors - L.A. Woman
5. David Gray - If Your Love is Real
6. Kanye West - Big Brother
7. Metallica - Turn the Page
8. Miles Davis - Cool Blues
9. No Doubt - Don't Speak
10. Sublime - What I Got
Best Line of the Day... So Far
From the comments at Balloon Juice
“...with the selection of Gov. Palin to be his running-mate, Sen. McCain is making a serious play for the all-important milfhunter vote…”
August 29th, 2008 at 9:30 am
August 28, 2008
Live blogging the Obama acceptance speech from the electronics section of a K-Mart
I will tell you he won over the lady with the large bunt and beehive hairdoo with the healthcare line. The man in the faux turtle skin boots seems to have been a fan from the start.
The consensus was that it was a great speech. The man with two gold teeth was audibly gasping with excitement.
More later...
Meanwhile, back at the ranch #3
1 week cigarette free, what kind of reward should I give myself? An Americas Spirit light menthol sounds good, but I think ill go with a cupcake instead.
Too bad Camel doesn't make cupcakes. I'm just sayin'.
Big Tent Blogging # 2
4:42 AM -
Arrived back at hotel having lost about $300.00 and my dignity at an oriental massage parlor on Arapahoe.
5:01 AM -
Delegation from Arkansas arrives ready to go for jog.
5:07 AM -
I am jogging down Colfax following a man who swears he is Bill Clinton's golf buddy.
5:54 AM -
Arrive back at hotel, desk clerk asks if I am okay.
6:07 AM -
Morning Joe on MSNBC. In a word yuck. For some reason I smell like a mix between sweat and sandalwood.
6:42 AM -
I take a shower and for some reason I cant get the song "Like a Rolling Stone" out of my head and sing it at the top of my lungs.
7:06 AM -
I explain politely to the neighbors that when you are a citizen journalist sometimes the songs are in you and they have to come out.
7:23 AM -
Sleepytime
10:20 AM -
The Kansans are coming. Or so I heard on CNBC.
10:25 AM -
Shower # 2. Does the sandalwood scent ever wash off?
10:30 AM -
I start heading toward the big tent.
10:45 AM -
I arrive sporting my brand new Eschaton t-shirt.
11:00 AM -
I meet Georgia10, very interesting person. I must say that the cold breakast burritos are phenomenal.
11:03 AM -
I spot two young blogger types reading "Balloon Juice." I introduce myself as John Cole. They ask me to stand for photographs, and sign their laptops. I yell "Psych! Got ya suckers. Boo to the mo fo ya." Ok, in hindsight maybe that wasn't necessary but anyway.
11:07 AM -
I have to give those two credit they were fast. I narrowly escaped by holing up in a basement bathroom and calling security. Close call.
11:38 AM -
Pizza and Jerry Springer on my portable televison.
11:51 AM -
Joe Biden asks me for a slice, I oblige and ask him if he would like ranch with that.
Lawyer Stuff -
Satirical. Please take it that way.
August 26, 2008
Live Convention Coverage (Big Tent Blogging #1)
1:05 PM
Wandered in to the mothertalkers section, they were all gathered around a rather large woman with a portable dvd watching the "Sisterhood of the Travelling Pants" I asked if any of them had any mint chapstick and got harsh stares and whispers of male inconsideration.
1:15 PM
I saw Atrios walking around with a Dr. Pepper and a look of indignation.
1:34 PM
Is it just me or Does Glenn Reynolds look a lot like that creepy guy that they profiled on America's Most Wanted who killed three hookers on one night.
1:58 PM
Speaking of hookers does anyone know where Bill Clinton is? He was last seen with a copy of Westword and cell phone in his hand.
2:04 PM
Matt from NMFBIHOP was spotted doing "shiver shots" off of Amanda Marcotte's well, you know.....
2:23 PM
Ok, I hate to admit this, but... Nancy Pelosi is sorta hot in cougaresque way.
Satirical - The big tent that I hang out in is an REI backpacker model.
Meanwhile, back at the ranch #2
This not smoking thing really isn't all that hard, besides that kid really didn't need that kickball. The way that I see it the kickball was happier getting thrown in the back of the dumptruck and just think of the joy that it brought the construction workers when they found it. A win win proposition if you ask me.
August 25, 2008
Conversations with Fruit #2
Me:
"... I don't know about Biden, I think that had Obama really wanted a change agent he might have picked a governor, and one from outside of the beltway maybe, but what do I know?"
Pear:
"Exactly. Joseph Biden is the ranch dressing vice presidential candidate."
Me:
"What do you mean 'ranch dressing candidate'?"
Pear:
"Well, he's old, you know what you are getting, it is always safe to pick ranch dressing for your salad... Imagine this, a waiter offers you the choice between three dressings. The first is not something that you are familiar with like say seared apple chipotle vinegarette the second is raspberry and sumatra infusion or you could go with # three, just plain old ranch. Obama went with plain old ranch."
Me:
"Hmm, you make a point."
Pear:
"What color is ranch dressing?"
Me:
"White, unless you get the really cheap kind that have a yellowish tint to them."
Pear:
"Just sayin."
Meanwhile, back at the ranch
3 and a half days without a cigarrette. All has gone well except for the one screaming episode.
August 23, 2008
August 22, 2008
Citizen Journalism #2
Reporting live from an Inland Empire Starbucks -
10:01 AM
Citizen Journalist arrives and begins to resent the gentleman in front of him in line who finds everything that the barista is saying to be way funnier than it really is.
10:02 AM
I order an XL Iced Soy Latte, refusing to use the terminology of the starbucks crowd.
10:04 AM
While waiting for my drink I encounter a gentleman reading the L.A. Times.
10:05 AM
After succesful delivery of said beverage I ask the gentleman if he would like to be interviewed for another publication, primarily internet based, though it is printed in limited numbers. (primarily by the police, mom and theFBI but I digress)
10:06 AM
He refuses, I ask him what he has to hide from the LOSLI nation.
10:07 AM
I enjoy my soy latte and all of it's goodness, wondering what deep and dark secrets that gentleman is sitting on.
Until we meet again my friends, stay safe America.
*Update*
Welcome Sideshow readers.
August 21, 2008
Citizen Journalism #1
Reporting live from the Albuquerque International Sunport -
5:43 PM
After careful surveillance and handy detective work, I your faithful citizen journalist can report that the blonde wearing the "My boyfriend thinks I'm at the movies" baby doll t-shirt is most likely a goer or good egg if you will.
5:58 PM
I asked an elderly gentleman if he had ever had a full cavity search, he told me "no."
6:05 PM
The loud lady across the way wants her husband to drive around in circles to avoid paying a parking fee. I know this because at 80 feet (approximate, paced out) I could hear her shouting these instructions into her cell phone, three times to be exact.
6:07 PM
The blonde has been joined by a brunette, they are taking pictures of themselves, and talking about the beauty of "girls weekend" for some reason the soundtrack playing in my head is 80's hair bands.
6:08 PM
I need a cookie.
6:09 PM
Mmm chocolate chip.
Until we meet again my friends, Stay safe America.
Just some stuff...
John Cole says it better than I could.
"After getting hammered for a few weeks on the fact you are so rich you don’t know how many houses you have, it might make it tough for McCain to make multi-millionaire Mitt Romney his running mate."
August 20, 2008
Hmm. (Mostly spoken out of my nose - for those that are keeping track of that sort of thing.)
This reminds me of a scene from a convenience store I witnessed recently whilst I was waiting in line to purchase a pair of Coke Zeros.
As the overhead radio plays "AP Radio News"
Guy in front of me in line:
"Fuck Georgia."
Clerk:
"Yup, I never liked the Braves or that Ted Turner fella and they are both from Georgia."
Guy in front of me in line:
"Old commies want part of our country I caint think of a better place to get them."
Clerk:
"I think I heard something about Atlanta was trying to break away from Georgia and the Russians are helping Atlanta."
Guy in front of me in line:
"Got any Skoal Mint Packets back there?"
Clerk:
"Hell to the yeah bro."
Thanks to Dr. Rusty
Scenes from an Iowa Meat Packing Plant
On the assembly line -
Young Worker # 1:
"I can't wait until I get off, we are having my Quinceañera."
Young Worker # 2:
"I will have mine in four years, I have already started planning."
Young worker # 1:
"It is really exciting, I can't wait. Too bad Marta is on graveyard shift."
Young Worker # 2:
"Did you bring the super glue I need to glue my Barbie's head back on? I can't believe that jackass Ramon bit it off."
Young Worker #1:
"I can't believe that they made him a supervisor, he such a corporate kiss ass, I mean he thinks he is so hot in his white smock."
Young Worker # 2:
"I think that you may be jealous."
Young Worker #1:
"I am two years older than him."
Meanwhile in the office -
Chubby Fingered Boss:
"I can't believe that Jose let me take his dignity for an extra quarter an hour. To quote those damn hippies' bumper stickers 'Life is Good.' Tee hee. RAMON, bring me my ruffle covered smock and ass plug."
BACKGROUND
But of coure it's all Kosher.
Conversation with an Ear of Olathe Sweet Corn
Me:
"Very tasty indeed."
Olathe Sweet Corn:
"Indeed, heh."
Me:
"I LOVE sweet corn."
Olathe Sweet Corn:
"Does this conversation have anything to do with the fact that you couldn't get a Palisade Peach to respond to you?'
Me:
"..."
Olathe Sweet Corn:
"Listen man, this whole talking with produce gimmick of yours is creeping people out."
RIP Leroi Moore
Article Here
I used to be a lot more of a DMB fan, not that I dislike them, but just seem to be listening to other stuff lately.
August 19, 2008
# 1 The Day That I Was Born
Via Avedon
I really wish after watching this that I had been born pre-sappy disco era, but as some old actor once said... "You can wish in one hand and shit in the other, and see which one fills up first."
*UPDATE*
He is wearing a speedo and tank top matching set. Oh for fuck's sake, when I came into the world people wore matching horizontal striped tanktop / speedo sets, no wonder I am damaged.
Post Women's Gymastics Redux
"... I believe that I just heard a gentleman say that he was turned on by that. I really am disturbed for some reason."
The Return of the Pear
Me:
"...So, uh how have you been?"
Pear:
"Two years, two fucking years and the best that you can come up with is, 'so, uh how have you been?' For God's sake man say something with some meaning, or lie to me and tell me that you left me in a shoe box which was inadvertently thrown away during one of your moves in which you fled houses, relationships, jobs and life in general while you were 'trying to remember how to smile.' You open up with that shit."
Me:
"Uh, sorry. I really don't think that I was fleeing anything, I was just... Ah fuck it, I knew that this was a mistake."
August 18, 2008
The Ghost of Mikhail Gorbachev Comments on "Cold War Part Deux"
Mikhail Gorbachev:
"What? Sorry, I didn't hear the question but, I was just having a 'procedure' done... That whole rebirth upon death gimmick in the bible is a load of crap I still have this stupid birthmark."
Me:
"But sir, you aren't dead yet."
Mikhail Gorbachev:
"Not dead yet? Well fuck... The only good thing that I can see about the Americanization of Russia is Cheetos, I like the crunchy kind with cheese to me the flaming hot ones are sacriledge."
Me:
Mikhail Gorbachev:
"Get me some cheetos chop chop, you imperialist swine."
August 08, 2008
Wow.
I thought that Dan Riehl was joking, but apparently not.
"Is Obama A Reverse OJ In The Making?
I used to read Dan a lot, what a difference two years makes. Wow. Just wow.
I do however agree with Dan about the Imus issue.