How 'Bout Them Apples?

Scenes from the mall

I was at a music store in the mall a little while ago. I was picking up the latest copy of "Vibe" Magazine. I walked through the store, seeking out the magazine rack to no avail. As I was about to leave, I spotted the magazine rack. I headed over only to be blocked by a large lady. She is in the middle of reading "The Source" I cough. She fails to notice. I humm. She is oblivious.

Finally she shifts to the left. I see my hole. There is Vibe. I make my move. The magazine is on the lower right side of display. My arm is in, I am grabbing for the magazine she shifts back to the right. My right arm is now penned between her large right leg and the side of the magazine rack. She does not notice. She is really into the magazine. Her back is to me, my head is level with (and I might add dwarfed by) her ass.

I am officially in a quandry. What to do?

Me: Umm ma'am.

Her:

Me: Uh hello.

Her:

Me: (Wondering...is she ignoring me or just oblivious? Clear my throat) Hello.

Her:

Me: (Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, I tickle her ankle.) Hello.

Her: (Jumping, literally a foot in the air landing on my hand. Falling onto me and coming to rest on my head, with my face buried in the carpet.) Are you ok?

Me:(Muffled) Can you get off my head?

Her:

Me: All I wanted was a magazine.

Her: Did I hurt you?

Me: Naw.

Her: Sorry.

Me: (Getting up from carpet) I am fine.

Her: Ok... Well I am Karrie.

Me: My name is Smitty.

Her: You don't look like a Smitty.

Me: I feel like a Smitty...

Her: So, is Smitty really your name?

Me: Maybe it was in a past life.

Her: So, what is your name?

Me: Jess.

Her: Did you tickle my leg or was I imagining things?

Me: Yes, but only because I could not get a good grip to pinch it. You have thick pants.

Her: You are funny.

Me: Yeah, but looks aren't everything.

Her: Huh?

Me: Never mind.

Her: So, after I have been on top of you and and made you eat carpet do you want my phone number?

Me: No, I like the chase too much and like you said... I have already had you sitting on my head and I ate carpet because of you. I feel as though I have completed the mission Karrie, and must move on. (Looking at her in a serious almost contemplative face)

Her: Can I get your number?

Me: Are you married?

Her: Yes, but I am seperated.

Me: I can't, you read the Source. It is like the Game said "No unsigned hype, no mics, fuck the source."

Her: OK.... You are kinda weird, yet oddly charming...

Me: Thats right.

Posted by Jess at May 1, 2005 05:06 PM