How 'Bout Them Apples?

10 Worst Americans Ever

In response to Jeff Goldstein's list of the ten worst Americans ever. In which he is responding to a historians list of the ten worst Britons in the last 1000 years . The original challenge came from All Things Beautiful. I just did the first ten that came to mind... I suppose it could have been a better list if I would have put some thought in it.

10. Neil Gr**n - Caught "horse racing" on the back of a bus on the way back from a Jr. High football game. Incidentally he did win. Though the team did lose but, hey a guy needs a pick me up after losing, I guess. (Horse racing is where two males unzip their pants and jerk off to see who can cum first. The winner gets bragging rights and a well fondness for other male penises that lasts long after the horse race is over.)

9. Devon Cl**rk - Neil's worthy opponent in the "horse race." I think he is a worse American because he well uh lost....

8. Dean Pa**ick - The adult male next door neighbor of me while I was growing up. He owned a security company and found nothing more amusing than driving his 1960's security cruiser around the neighbor and spotlighting as we played hide and seek. He would also turn his lights and sirens on around ten PM while driving around the block letting the kids know that though he had been fired from the police force he still had the power to place us under "citizen's arrest "and he would gladly exercise it upon any ten year old that stepped a foot out of line.

7. Scooter Libby - Because well uh you know outing a CIA agent is still a bad thing regardless of how it is spun.

6. Neil Cavuto - He just rubs me wrong. Not literally, well there was that one time at the local Fox affiliate but, well he said he just bumped into me, but well it was several times then he ried to hold my hand. All in all a weird night.

5. Mrs. S***ers - My kindergarten teacher. The bitch cut nap time short by five minutes in March of '84 and I have yet to forgive her.

4. My neighbor now. I am not sure of her last name her first is Kathy. She puts up a nice facade that she is a sweet innocent 79 year old social security recipient but behind her cross stitching and cookie baking I believe sinister things are happening. I hear the sleeper cell theme every time she smiles and yells "Jess want some cookies?" I just know they are laced with anthrax.

3. Capitol One - Those fuckers with their variable interest rates.

2. State Trooper Oreolt - * - He stopped me and gave me a ticket for following too closely when the Jackass in the left lane was going under the speed limit in Debeque Canyon. Though he was later demoted for propositioning a married woman in a traffic stop during country jam, then resigned the state patrol but he still ranks high in my list of pricks.

1. Captain Kangaroo
Pee Wee Herman - I needn't even begin to tell you guys how bad that fucker is for this great nation.

Though I am going to make this into a meme. I tag Julie, Avedon, and this is officially interview question 3 for Travis and DC.

Yes, I am still on blog vacation.... So ha.

Posted by Jess at December 27, 2005 09:02 PM | TrackBack