How 'Bout Them Apples?

Mama must be proud

Conversations with Pears Mu.nu style

A brief history. I guess one day I was inspired by Jeff Goldstein's brief conversations with inanimate objects* I decided to talk to a pear in which was sitting on my counter. So, these kind of became an underground hit in the left blogosphere. Some of my commenters loved me_. Some hated me. Same as today.

Me: So..... I guess I should update you on some occurrences.

Pear: I'm all stems.

Me: Where did you get that one? Have you been watching PBS mornings to come up with that kind of elementary comedy?

Pear: Oh so you think you're a badass now that you are a munuvian eh?

Me: Uh...

Pear: You better back the fuck up before you get smacked the fuck up.

Me:

Pear: Pussy cat got your tongue? Or more likely it is a waitress.

Me: I did not have to bring you back.

Pear: I did not have to talk to you either.

Me:

Pear:

Me: So, why are we watching Harry Potter?

Pear: Look dude, I don't have arms... you are obviously the one controlling the remote.

Me:

Pear: So, how is the ever lovely Ms. C.*? :)

Me: She is good. I had coffee with her this morning.

Pear: You make me laugh dumbass. She has your number huh? You said you were giving her up last Saturday. This Saturday you are having coffee with her.

Me: We are friends.

Pear: I smell her on you. I never smell like a grape and they are my friends. I thought liberals were supposed to be reality based.* Get real homie. It is like Mike Jones said "You don't work, you don't eat, you don't grind, you don't shine."

Me: Thanks for the Mike Jones reference. His CD "Who is Mike Jones?" is one of the best I have bought in a while.

My type of girl....

Most guys have there "type" of woman. For some it is large breasted blondes, for others shy brunettes. Some prefer Red heads, some latin, or asian, or african american women.

The people that I work with and several of my friends are having trouble figuring out my kind of woman. According to them the women I see tend to cross all these lines. So, they ask Jess what makes you tick on women?

First off is personality. She has to be cool, be down to ride, and she has to be a person that I enjoy spending time with. (Though I must confess, the old rap addage about a lady on the streets and a freak in the sheets never hurts either.)

I also tend to date and be attracted to a lot of food service people. I have heard several analysis' of this including.....

1. That when they wait on me, they have to talk to me. There is no getting out of it.

2. That because I am a single independent guy, that lives alone. That I like to be taken care of by someone other than myself.

3. That I am in charge of something for a second, when I am ordering. (Which is bullshit IMHO because I usually ask them to order what they would have for me. So they are in control of my "destiny")

4. That I have some sort of strange love for food and drink and because they serve it my fondness for their products is in turn transfered to the server.

I personally think, I just meet some cool ladies that happen to serve food, drink and coffee.

BTW, I am blogging this from an independent coffee shop in my hometown that has a great Saturday morning Blues and Folk band play.

So, uh Jess how is the talent (Waitstaff) in the coffee shop? Very nice. This is my second Saturday in a row, and I promise you next week will make three.

My type of girl? Well, I am sure that she is quite an academic.

Conversations with waitresses

At a local Chili's.

Chili's waitress: What are you drinking Jess?

Me: Water with Lemon.

CW: Are you ok?

Me: Yes.

CW: No drinking?

Me: Not tonight.

CW: (To my friend) Is he ok?

My friend: Yeah. He has not been drinking lately.

CW: (Putting hand on my forehead) You don't feel hot?

Me: Really I am fine. Just not in a drinking mood these past couple of weeks.

CW: Pigs are flying somewhere. Hell is getting colder.

Me: I dunno.

My friend: Can I get an Amstel Light or are you going to worry about his nondrinking all night.

CW: He is always nice to me. You are an asshole. Therefore I worry about him.

MF: Well.

CW: Should I serve him Jess?

Me: It's your world, I am just passing through.

Meanwhile in a trailer court near you volume 2

Until I get the water turned on.... Feel free to use the temporary facilities

More fun pictures*