How 'Bout Them Apples?

A half-hearted attempt to win back some of my more liberal readers

Bush is a chimp.

*Update*
We need to divide and conquer.

*Update 2*
Atrios is blogging god. I promise to relink both him and Kos.

*Update 3*
I miss Clinton. I really hope for a Hillary run in 2008.

*Update 4*
Howard Dean is my mother fucking master. Boo yeah bitches.

*Update 5*
What do you think I am serious? This post is bullshit. Really it is. I did not like Clinton when he was in office, but I do miss his economy and global view. I think Hillary would be a terrible choice for my party to pick. I am who I am, Just plain old Jess. I am not a fan of Dean, I am fan of moving in one direction, I am not a Bushie, but whether I like it or not he is indeed the preznit. Love it or hate it. I am me.

Crossposted @ GCS

Memorial Day

Just Read (The best Memorial Day Speech)

Go. Now. I have nothing more to say. Really, why are you still here? Go now.

I really wish I could have heard him speak it. I guess this will have to do. I wonder who his audience was? Hopefully not just Mrs. D.C.

One of my favorite posts....

I posted this one in August at the old site.... I am not really in a blogging mood so I am recycling this post.

Why Jess No Longer Has Any Dishes
I recently went out with a psychotic woman. Nothing new they seem to be attracted to me. This one got mad because another girl called my cellphone at about 1:00 AM. This is not a big deal I thought, hell, I am not even dating this one we just went out for dinner and drinks. She suddenly got very quiet. Then I believe that I saw Satan in her eyes, really quite scary.

She was very quiet for a while then asked me if she could have a glass of water. I said no problem, that I would get it. She insisted that it was fine, and that she was an independent woman. So I let her go to the kitchen, then I hear glass break. My first thought is well she must have dropped one. Second thought oh well, its just a glass. Then more breaking, then just a huge crash. Then more crashes. I run in and she is literally breaking every dish that I have in my cupboard. Then she turns looks at me calls me an asshole and starts pulling artwork off the wall.

I am at a quandary here.... Not only do I live in a second story apartment but it is mostly seniors at the complex I am at. Time is now 2:00 AM. What to do? She then grabs liquor bottles off the counter and they go crashing to the floor. She then grabs the olive oil, crash. I have no idea what to do. I have no idea what she is going to do next either. So then she goes over to my wine rack, and those hit the floor. I think, damn, what would Tucker Max do? The strange thoughts that go through your head. I am trying to calm her down... Then my cellphone starts vibrating in my pocket again. Oh no. I am damn sure not going to answer this one. She then tipped my dresser and grabbed the last plate, that was thrown at my head. I deflected it with my arm, and sat down in disbelief.

She then told me "you will call me again, I am sure." So I took my cellphone out erased her phone number and asked her to leave. She then stated "I think you have a drinking problem." I had just met this girl. I told her that " I have a problem and she will not leave, drinking, how can I? You smashed all my alcohol." She left crying. Now maybe I am wrong but she had nothing to cry about.

I called my housekeeper at 7:00 AM and told her that I would pay her triple to come clean. She agreed. This should and would be the end of this story except that I was having lunch today with the Missing Link and Pooh Bear and she called. I of course was not answering this call period. She left me a message saying how much she missed me and all that. I hope she does not know that I am in town. Scary woman, seemed so polite when I met her.

The moral of this story is watch the polite ones with too much peppiness. You may not have dishes if you don't.

Film Reviews in five words or less

Shamelessly stolen from Jeff Goldstein, who incidentally I bought the DVD from.

Lost and Delirious
2001 Lions Gate

Review in 5 words or less
Schoolgirl Uniforms, first love, dormrooms.

April showers bring meme flowers...

I have recently been tagged by two memes.

Puppy blender from Itsapundit tagged me with the book meme.

1. Total Number of Books I've Owned: Do porno mags count? Kidding. 200 plus.

2. Last Book I Bought: Ghetto Kama Sutra. I learned from it how to do it Dizzleoggle stizzyle. Before that was "Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance"

3. Last Book I Read: Sky of Stone - Homer Hickam.

4. Five Books That Mean A lot to Me:
1. The Running Mate - Joe Klein. A great book about politics, winning, losing and learning to love.

2. Sky of Stone - Homer Hickam. Beautiful story of a boy's rite of passage into manhood. Sad? Yes. Happy? Yes. Great writing? Indeed.

3. Desert Solitaire - Edward Abbey. I live in the west, I love this book which articulates how I have felt about my homeland for a long long time.

4. Blue Highways - William Least Heat Moon. The journey often beats the destination. 'Nuff said.

5. Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas - A Savage Journey to the Heart of the American Dream - Hunter S. Thompson. Gonzo.

Who to tag?
Jenn from born under a fire sign. How could I not? She talks about women's breasts and photos and maybe.... just maybe sending some to Jess...

Bad Penny - My cyber mama

That is all

Julie tagged me with el meme de la musica.

So here goes....
The last CD I bought was.... I actually bought two at the same time. Tupac Better Dayz and Ray Charles Genius Loves Company.

Song (CD) playing right now:(CD) Ludacris "The Red Light District" (Song) "Two Miles an Hour"

Five songs that I listen to a lot or that mean alot to me:
Thugz Mansion Accoustic- Tupac ft. Nas
I Can Still Make Cheyenne - George Strait
Take Off Your Cool - Outkast ft. Norah Jones
Six Different Ways - The Cure
Five Years from Now - Mike Jones

Passing along the love....
To a musician.... Travis from Rainstorm.
To a Marine... Rick from Daisy Cutter.
To a Pirate.... William Teach from Pirate's Cove

A GCS / LOSLI interview with Captain Ed

Captain Ed of Captain's Quarters agreed to sit down and be grilled by Jess.... The transcript follows.

An interview with Captain Ed

LOSLI / GCS: "Welcome Ed."

Ed: "Thanks Jess it is good to be here. You are awfully pale are you sure you are not a Canadian? They scare me almost as bad as a corrupt Tennessee political circle jerk."

LOSLI / GCS: "Not unless Canada annexed the four corners while I have been out. Oh and please call me Admiral Jess."

Ed: "Ahhhh nooooo... You said Oat. It is pronounced out. You said OAT. You freaking lying Canuck. I know a Canuck when I see one."

LOSLI / GCS: "I did no so such thing... I am not a Canuck. I am an American. "(Stands and salutes the flag.)

Ed: "The Canadian government captured me and put a tracking device in my scrotum."

LOSLI / GCS: "Really?"

Ed: "Yes, they captured me on my way home from the seven-eleven. I had been down there getting a slushie.... when out of the blue here came these little pale men. They subdued me into a Volkswagen Bus, laid me out in the back, probed me, then inserted the chip into my scrotum, they then proceeded to leave me at a bus station in Sandy Point Utah."

LOSLI / GCS: "How do you know they were Canadians?"

Ed: "Well, as they were probing me they were quite polite. I was amazed at how cordial they were. Then as they were leaving they were talking about going to the government clinic to get free shots. Freaking socialists, god damn freaking socialists man."

LOSLI / GCS: "Do you seriously have a chip in your scrotum?"

Ed: "Do you want to feel?" (Starts unzipping his pants.)

LOSLI /GCS: "Whoa there Captain. Your sailor needs to stay in his cabin. Has any one ever called you Edwierdo?"

Ed: "Well, no... Are you calling me that?"

LOSLI/GCS: "No.... Well OK, maybe. Anything you would like to add?"

Ed: "Well this one time at summer camp. I put vaseline in a maple tree and pulled down my pants and well uh... you get the picture. That was when I promoted myself to Captain. Any man that can put the screws to a maple tree in the July heat at Camp Wannalaya is a Captain, indeed a captain in my book."

LOSLI /GCS: "Thanks Ed."

Ed: "Thank you Jess. Watch out for pale men in VW Busses. I been there. Glenn Reynolds is still my hero."

*Legal Note*
This is satire. I did not interview Captain Ed, I do not really believe that he put the screws to a maple tree. Ed is a fine blogger, that indeed is worthy of his Captain title.

Crossposted at GCS

Jeremy interviews Crooks n Liars.... funny funny stuff

A brief moment of brilliance

Me: So uh, yeah I am not feeling like posting much lately. Might be good to stay off for a little longer.... instead of posting... useless and unfunny crap

Evil Me: Yeah, you can't stand to lose any more of your readers Frenchie.

Conversations with Pears volume 4

Me: "Whats happening?"

Pear: "I hope this Grand Centrist Station thing works out. There are a lot of like minded centrist type people as well as fruit out there. Oh, and good picks on the DVD's you bought from Goldstein."

Me: "So? Are you saying you are going to make appearances from time to time at the GCS?"

Pear: "Straight up."

Me: "I will have to see if that is allowed.... Talk to you later, my cell phone is ringing...."

Pear: "Fool please.. I am more popular than you are. Tell C. I said hi."

Me: "How do you know it is her?"

Pear: "Your attitude, you are all smiley now. Now answer the damn phone."

*Update*
Munuvians please go give Mr. B. a yay while he awaits his immigration status on Ellis Island.

Hotel Clerks comment on the Pepsico scandal

.....The what? Man, who really cares. I have run out of time for scandals. I need more time for yoga. The stars all do yoga. I need to take motorcycle rides on the back of an unknown stranger named Tiny's Harley Davidson. Yeah that would be nice, and s'mores around the campfire at night... Me, Tiny and graham crackers does it get any better? Maybe a Bud Light or two in our pup tent, but of course we would drink the Bud Light before we ate the s'mores... afterwards just goes against all my scruples... I will add though, Tiny is far from tiny if ya know what I mean. Oh, you are still here?

Hotel clerks comment on the Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston divorce...

And to think a handjob or two might have saved this marriage.

Scenes from a West Palm Beach, FL alley

Rush: Hello. (A silence follows)

Rush: Helllooooooo. (All that can be heard is the sportsters driving by on the strip three blocks over.)

Rush: Does anyone know where I can find some pain killers? (The wind picks up, the ocean breeze hits Rush's nose... only adding to his jones for da shit.)

Rush: (Rather meakly)Hello....

Rush: This quite frankly sucks. I can not even use the talent that I have "on loan from god" to get some dope. Shit.

Rush: I wonder where that genius Michael Savage is? He is a doctor, maybe he can write me a prescription from his "magic" notebook, so I can get some of the good shit. (He walks to his Escalade,starts the motor and drives off into the night... Muttering something about Michael Savage and the "magic" notebook, the term MILF, Mary Kay Letourneau, liberal bias in the media and Social Security reform.

*Satire*
It was not really an alley it was a dog park.... Damn it all to hell Jess get the story straight.

A LOSLI interview with Jeff Goldstein of Protein Wisdom

LOSLI: Welcome Jeff.

Jeff:

LOSLI: How is the weather today in Colorado?

Jeff:

LOSLI: How do you feel about the Pepsico Scandal?

Jeff:

LOSLI: Giving me the silent treatment eh?

Jeff:

LOSLI: So, uh... This is weird, I feel like I am just talking to
myself.

Jeff:

LOSLI: God Damn it. I am not a McIntosh apple. Talk to me man.

Jeff: Could you please shut your nonrelevant trap. I am trying to
focus on the great movies of the 1970's. Fuck man, I get it. You think I am funny, well thanks. I don't like you. I really fucking hate you. Go drown in a bathtub.

LOSLI:

Jeff: Who is silent now bitch? You and that fucking armadillo.

*Satire*
I did not interview Jeff Goldstein. Though if I did I think he might
have given me similar responses, but I am not speaking for Jeff. So,
please take this as the joke that it is.

And I said what about breakfast at Tiffani's....

While perusing the land of Munuvia I came across a place called Breakfast with Tiffani. She did the interview meme thing, and since I like attention... I asked to be one of her interviews. Tiffani has posted the questions for me to answer.

1. I believe that underwear says a lot about a person (I know that's weird - Humor me).... What kind of underwear do you wear?

Interesting question. It depends on mostly what is clean. I have gone through stages where I favored all three of the majors (Boxers, briefs, and boxer briefs) but the fact that I hate doing laundry is the determining factor. I generally wear whatever I have the most that is clean. Though the other day I was at Wal-Mart and I bought a couple of pairs of funky looking Richard Simmonsesque things... they are like shorter versions of spandex bicycle shorts that were popular for a short time in the late 80s and early 90s. Strangely chic though.

2. What is your biggest pet peeve?

Driving slow in the fast lane. I hate people that do it. I have places to be and these jackasses are on Sunday drives everyfuckingday. Another one is people that use condescending tones toward people. We are all human, we all pretty much need to be spoken to as if we are. Or people that honk at you when they want you to walk over to them, while they are sitting in their vehicles. I have taken to peeing on their tires. If I am going to be treated like a dog then I am going to act like one.

3. What or who makes you want to get up in the morning?

The thought of A.L.F. reruns.

4. (same question as Helen's) If I were to choose a character from a t.v. show that is most like me I'd choose Karen from Will and Grace. Who would you choose?

I would have to say Mr. Rogers. I go through more sweaters than a honey moon couple goes through boxes of ribbed for her pleasure Trojans.

5. I'm a reader. I read anything I can get my hands on. Books, Mags, Cereal boxes, Junk mail you name it. My favorite book of all time was Tuesdays with Morrie. What if anything is your favorite thing to read?

Penthouse Letters. Writer wise I am a fan of Edward Abbey and Hunter S. Thompson. In my briefcase currently is Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. I just finished the Kama Sutra. Too bad I have nobody to practice the new moves on.

If you want some crazy questions shot your way leave me a comment.

(Some satire involved here people.... Do you really think I pee on tires? Come on now I am not near the animal you think I am.)

Understanding Dick and Jane

What if Dick and Jane hadn't met? Would Spot still be around? Where would Jane find her Dick? Imagining Jane's life without Richard or Spot just seems impossible. I am not saying that Jane could not make it alone, nor am I saying that she did not burn her fair share of bras, but in the context that we know Jane she hardly seems liberated. DICK IS AN OPRESSOR.

A LOSLI interview with Will of Will's 4223

An interview with a blogger* that recently called me an idiot. Maybe I shouldn't engage him, but why not?

LOSLI: How are you?

Will: They are going to blow up nukes in outerspace.

LOSLI: Wow. I guess you just skip the greetings and go right into it.

Will: I hate George W. Bush like I hate the skidmarks in my favorite underwear.

LOSLI: Right, and how do you feel about Laura?

Will: My dorm room has many walls.

LOSLI: 4 probably eh?

Will: Global warming is the main reason I get up in the mornings. I have this fun little guage that me and my buddies built, it tests the atmosphere hourly. We are going to take our results to... well, we haven't figured out who but someday when we leave campus for the first time we might.

LOSLI: Do you have any plans for life after college?

Will: Why stop now? I plan on going to school until I am 82 in earth years. The people here are like me, they are intellects.

LOSLI:82 in earth years? What happens after that?

Will: I plan on.... (Whiny voice tails off)

LOSLI:

Will: I am Sean Penn's favorite blogger, I know I must be. I wanna be his monkey boy. It is a feeling I get, when two like minded people well, what would you know you are not intelligent enough to get me.

LOSLI: That's ok he did fuck Madonna, when she was hot.

Will: I, according to my calculations am old in Pluto. 5693 years to be exact.

LOSLI: Is that where you are from?

Will: No you IDIOT. Though this one time at space camp, I had a tuba shoved up my ass.

LOSLI: Hmm.

Will: I have an exam, besides we are fillibustering for fillibusters. I am a great html writer, though my blog still sucks.

LOSLI: OK.

Will:This interview is over. You are an IDIOT.

LOSLI: So, uh how long have you been a fucking moron?

Will: I am not stupid. I am very smart. You are a poopiehead and you are not funny. I hate you, yet I still idolize Al Franken.

*Update*
We get a response.

*Legal Note*
This interview is satire. Satire, so just relax. Hell, I don't even take me seriously why would anyone else?

My most controversial post to date

I prefer Quizno's to Subway. Must be the toasted taste.

Conversations with random people on airplanes...

Random Guy: The rapture is coming soon.

Me: Well, if you dissapear from your seat I will know either the rapture happened or you went to the lavatory.

RG: Son, this is not a joking matter.

Me:

RG: I can help you find Jesus.

Me: I really did not know that he was lost.

RG: You have empty place in your heart. I can see it.

Me: Is that a Rolex?

RG: Yes. The lord has been good to me.

Me: There is an old biblical proverb that says "It's easier for a camel to go through the eye of a needle than for a rich man to enter the kingdom of god."

RG:

Me:

RG: Umm yeah, I need a beer.

Me: I believe in god, I believe god is wonderful. I just do not feel a need to preach to random people on airplanes.

RG:

Me:

Scenes from my apartment volume 1.

A neighbor called me a few minutes ago. She is watering my fake plants.

So, is the pear traveling with Jess?

I will never tell, though I did hear some strange, almost opera like singing coming from my briefcase last night.

If I was a real blogger....

I would probably have something to write. (If you take offense to this, then you don't get it at all.)

If I was Glenn Reynolds, I would link to Ann Althouse. Repeatedly.

If I was Jeremy, I would write a tyrade about those evil leftists. Ya know how evil some of us are, when I am not here, I am oft times patrolling alleys looking for black cats to join me as my evil minions.

If I was Atrios, I would open a thread for my disciples. Because, really how could life not be complete if a person can not catch up on the latest conspiracy theory from the Atrioites.

If I was Charlie, I might retire and go to commenting.

If I was DC, I would have another drink of the Tom Delay kool-aid. But only if they have grape flavored. A man has to stand for his principles, even if it means passing on the strawberry kool-aid.

If I was Avedon, I would refuse to link to unfunny moderates like Jess.

If I was Jeff Goldstein I would start in on essential 80's movies, really it is time.

If I was Kos, I would relive the Dean days, even though nobody else is on the same planet let alone page. Wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo

if i was skippy, i would type in all lowercase letters.

If I was Bill in DC I would be really mad, why? Well, that is a good question.

If I was T-Bogg, I would link to Atrios, because, you know, we all need an Atrios fix every other hour, gawd I hope I can make it that long.

If I was Billmon, I would quote people. Then listen to people say how wonderful of a blogger I am for recycling materials.

If I was a real blogger I would have something to write. Something witty like...

I like women who wear thong underwear. Though I think their should be a thong litmus test. More to come later.

Have you ever noticed that a lot of people on the East Coast don't want to look you in the eye? Why? Maybe it is just me.

I may be going to hell in a bucket...

Via Pole Dancing in the Dark.

Really I mean it....

A two word sentence to my detractors.

FUCK YOU.

That's all.

*UPDATE*
Oh and on an unrelated topic.... Please encourage the ladies of m-pyre to blogroll ol' Jess. Why? Because I like them. Oh and encourage me to blogroll them if you want. It will happen. Yes, soon.

A quick round up

Jess is off on the East Coast doing some sort of family thing and asked me his alter ego Jeff... to post.

This is so fuct up Via Julie B

They have billboards advertising this site all over Utah.

I don't think Goldstein likes me anymore.... OK, well he probably never did.

Mr. Babylon is still the best teacher blog Jess has ever read....

Jess really hates Pat Sajak. He feels like Pat is the single cause of the N. Korean nuclear situation.

Almost as much as he despises Gavin Degraw.

Jess thinks Ludacris won the O'Reilly beef, by going number one with a song that references Bill O'Reilly.
Respected highly, HIIII MR. O'REILLY
Hope all is well, kiss the plantiff and the wifey
Drove through the window, the industry super sized me
Now the girls see me and a river's what they cry me
I'm on the rise, so many people despise me

I wonder if any of my Longtime LOSLI readers are mad at me? If so.... Lets hear it.

Jess still wants to pay Alexa an exorbanant fee for cuddling...

Jess misses Pika. He ate at the Mulebarn in Albuquerque, and was hoping she would be there to snark him for it.

NewMexiKen would be cool to hike with....

Chuck has returned.

Is it just me or does Evil Glenn flip flop more than my favorite shoes?

If life were fair, ah fuck it, life isn't fair....

East Coast women amaze Jess.

What is Jess? He is what a moderate looks like that needs a tan.

Jess' thought for the day....

LOVE AND LUXURY COST MONEY.

The real reason....

Behind the feud or rap beef between G-Unit labelmates 50 Cent and the Game.

At 50's Conneticut recording studio....

50: Yo Game get me a Pepsi Homie.

Game: What?

50: Make it a diet one at that.

Game: Uh. No I aint your bitch. Get it yourself.

50: Fine, then your kicked out of G-Unit.

Game: I never wanted to be here anyway.

The 45 year old, former prom queen turned neighborhood slut converses with a cucumber

Former Prom Queen: Right there, that's the spot.... Oh yeah, mmm hmmm.

Cucumber:

Former Prom Queen: Oh myyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy. Please don't stop. Don't ever stop. Oh god. This is so good.

Cucumber:

Former Prom Queen: haaaaaaaaarrrrrrrder.

Cucumber: Really though, most days are fairly mundane.

I have never had to fill out one of these.....

If I did though, my answers would scare some people. So... go see my Vegas pal Heather, and fill one out.... Oh and by the way guys, she is pretty hot.

*UPDATE*
Oh.... y Feliz Diez de Mayo. (Mother's day in Mexico)

Talk about messing a kid up for life...

This story has a particular interest for me... It is not far at all from me (Geographically). Every time I think about having kids.... Uh, well, ya know if I were to ever get laid.... These type people are deterring factors.

One of life's little observations...

To:The guy in the booth next to me at Hooter's in Denver.

From: Jess

Just because the waitress appeared to be flirting with you does not mean that you are going to "tap that ass" tonight. Really, they get paid for that, it is their J-O-B. None of us are there for the wings. Be real.

*Update*
Being that I am in Colorado.... I must quote my favorite Colorado Blogger Ralph.

Democrats are for locking rapists up, not forcing their victims to bear their children.

Conversations with Pears Volume 3

Me: I've been doing some thinking lately.

Pear:

Me: Pondering those age old questions and all you know.

Pear:

Me: Have you ever wondered what the meaning of life is?

Pear: The meaning of life is to give life meaning.

Me: Profound.

Pear: Yeah, now pass the remote. I heard the cooking channel is doing a special on plums tonight. There is nothing I like more than watching those evil bastards getting sliced up.

Tales from the Grocery Store

Lean Cuisine Dinner: Put me back....

Me: I am eating you tonight. Yes. Tonight bitch.

LCD: But... I could go to so much better of a home.

Me: I don't think you fathom the immensity of the fuck, which I do not give.

Coyote Dem's and South Park Repubs

Could the two groups that are outsiders of the mainstream of their respective parties form a viable third party?

Could they co-exist? Could they get drunk on Bacardi Gold Pina Coladas and the smell of stripper sweat together?

Originally inspired by these folks Ralph, Julie, Steve the Llama Butcher, and my old buddy Jeff Goldstein.

In case you were wondering

Stolen from my webdesigner, who, I might add kicks some major ass... You want a renovation, he is your man. Oh shit... I need to pay him. Will do.

The problem with this quiz was, that there was no center. To me it was a little extreme.

Win the battle son, and you will win the war.

Scenes from a night club in Utah

Random Girl: You want to dance?

Me: Uh no.

RG: Asshole.

Me: I knew that Dale Carnegie "Winning Friends and Influencing People" course would pay for it's self.

corner image

Here is the image the site designer will be using for the corner.

Jeremy sendzz...

Conversations with Pears volume 2

Me: Uh whats up?

Pear:

Me: Whats on your mind?

Pear:

Me: Fine go sulk in the corner if you want, I don't care.

Pear:

Me: Really are you mad or something?

Pear: MAD. MAD. Am I fucking mad?

Me: Thats the question.

Pear: You try riding in the trunk in your briefcase amongst your smelly clothes and gym bag.

Me: Umm. OK.

Pear: You and I are travelling partners. Did you ever hear of the Lone Ranger Making Scooby Doo ride in the trunk?

Me: There are so many things wrong with that question that I am not even going to attempt it.

Pear: So does that mean I can sit "shotgun"?

Me:

Pear: I'll take your nonanswer as a yes.

Me: I may have to consult with my trusted advisor Julie B.

Sentiment for the night....

Do you ever get the feeling that you've been cheated?

Johnny Rotten
Lead Singer of the Sex Pistols
Spat out to fans as he walked offstage at final concert.

Pat Robertson is more of a threat to the world than three pixies on pogo sticks. You don't believe in Pixies? I don't believe this guy should be taken seriously outside of his room at the psych ward of Bellevue. Sadly this guy advises some political candidates.

Messages from the Other Side

A tribute to my blog designer...

Hell I don't know why, but by god I am doing it. Yes, we have our design company and all. Why? Because we are that good. How good? This fucking good. Trick biatch.

April in Review

Ooh. Ahhhhhh. Mmmmmm. Ayyyyy. Ah. Uhhhhh.

Got any lubricant?

*Update 1*
From "The Girl Next Door"

Q: Was the juice worth the squeeze?

A: To me.... Oh yeah. I eat the lemon rind when the juice is gone, maybe even with some Splenda, because you know Splenda is evil. Almost as evil as Evil Glenn. (Yes this is the first time that I have ever linked to Instapundit.)

Scenes from the mall

I was at a music store in the mall a little while ago. I was picking up the latest copy of "Vibe" Magazine. I walked through the store, seeking out the magazine rack to no avail. As I was about to leave, I spotted the magazine rack. I headed over only to be blocked by a large lady. She is in the middle of reading "The Source" I cough. She fails to notice. I humm. She is oblivious.

Finally she shifts to the left. I see my hole. There is Vibe. I make my move. The magazine is on the lower right side of display. My arm is in, I am grabbing for the magazine she shifts back to the right. My right arm is now penned between her large right leg and the side of the magazine rack. She does not notice. She is really into the magazine. Her back is to me, my head is level with (and I might add dwarfed by) her ass.

I am officially in a quandry. What to do?

Me: Umm ma'am.

Her:

Me: Uh hello.

Her:

Me: (Wondering...is she ignoring me or just oblivious? Clear my throat) Hello.

Her:

Me: (Well, desperate times call for desperate measures, I tickle her ankle.) Hello.

Her: (Jumping, literally a foot in the air landing on my hand. Falling onto me and coming to rest on my head, with my face buried in the carpet.) Are you ok?

Me:(Muffled) Can you get off my head?

Her:

Me: All I wanted was a magazine.

Her: Did I hurt you?

Me: Naw.

Her: Sorry.

Me: (Getting up from carpet) I am fine.

Her: Ok... Well I am Karrie.

Me: My name is Smitty.

Her: You don't look like a Smitty.

Me: I feel like a Smitty...

Her: So, is Smitty really your name?

Me: Maybe it was in a past life.

Her: So, what is your name?

Me: Jess.

Her: Did you tickle my leg or was I imagining things?

Me: Yes, but only because I could not get a good grip to pinch it. You have thick pants.

Her: You are funny.

Me: Yeah, but looks aren't everything.

Her: Huh?

Me: Never mind.

Her: So, after I have been on top of you and and made you eat carpet do you want my phone number?

Me: No, I like the chase too much and like you said... I have already had you sitting on my head and I ate carpet because of you. I feel as though I have completed the mission Karrie, and must move on. (Looking at her in a serious almost contemplative face)

Her: Can I get your number?

Me: Are you married?

Her: Yes, but I am seperated.

Me: I can't, you read the Source. It is like the Game said "No unsigned hype, no mics, fuck the source."

Her: OK.... You are kinda weird, yet oddly charming...

Me: Thats right.

Turd in a Punchbowl Meme....

Julie tagged me...
The rules are simple: write a poem with "turd in a punchbowl" in the first and third lines, then pass it on to 3 unsuspecting victims. Do check back to Blog d'Elisson and tell him just exactly what you think of this . . . meme.

My first attempt was a haiku using the 5/7/5 format.

Turd in a punchbowl.
Floating atop the red juice.
Life sucks for the drunks.

The problem is , that I did not use it in the third line so, I will attempt to do it right this time.

Turd in a punchbowl.
If I could turn back the hands of time.
Turd in a punchbowl.
I would have made sure the shit wasn't mine.

Who to tag?
Chuck from Burst Transmission, DC from Daisy Cutter, and Ralph from Makes me Ralph.