How 'Bout Them Apples?

A citizen journalist reports x2

8:39 PM - Stopped by local seven eleven, spoke to a girl in black. She was offended because I told her that though I did not embrace the gothic lifestyle myself, I respected it.

8:40 PM - Learned that girl in black was not a gothic person she was a witch. She invited me to a witching or something like that. I fear I would be thrown in a cauldron.

8:41 PM - Bought pack of Kool lights. I forgot matches.

8:42 PM - Saw suspicous looking couple checking into motel. Man was carrying Perrier with what appeared to be canned peaches. That bastard must be a terrorist.

8:50 PM - Set up stakeout at motel. Waiting for the prince and princess of Perrier to emerge from bungalow.

8:59 PM - Bored. Heading home.

9:05 PM - Will step up surveillance tomorrow.

Love letters I never sent X3

From my college days dated 1999. Please excuse the mind altering substance induced haze it was '99 and we partied like it.

Dear Amy,

Whats up? I woke up this morning, (well maybe it was this afternoon but regardless.... )I was thinking about you. (well maybe it was a hot lesbian scene between you and your best friend Jamie) Anyway, come party with us. We always have fun. Are you still wearing v-strings? Gawd I hope so. You have an ass that never quits. Hit me up. You know my cell phone number.

Jess

Off Color Joke

If you are hyper sensitive don't click on the link below.

Question:
What's the difference between pussy and parsley?

Answer:
Some people actually eat pussy.

Love letters I never sent X2

This one was written in Jr. High school dated 1992 when I was 13. Once again transcribed word for word, pardon the middle school grammar and writing style.

Dear Kim,
Whats up? Not much here just chillin in Johnson's class. Man geography is like so boring.

I was like wondering if maybe you wanted to eat lunch over at our lunch table. I am like not asking anything or anything. I was just like hoping you could come and like chill. It is cool whatever you say.

Your accent is so cool. You are the flyest, like D.J. Jazzy Jeff says.

Huh?

From George W. Bush's speech last night.

As Iraqis make progress toward a free society, the effects are being felt beyond Iraq's borders. Before our Coalition liberated Iraq, Libya was secretly pursuing nuclear weapons. Today the leader of Libya has given up his chemical and nuclear weapons programs. Across the broader Middle East, people are claiming their freedom. In the last few months, we have witnessed elections in the Palestinian Territories and Lebanon. These elections are inspiring democratic reformers in places like Egypt and Saudi Arabia. Our strategy to defend ourselves and spread freedom is working. The rise of freedom in this vital region will eliminate the conditions that feed radicalism and ideologies of murder — and make our Nation safer.

So did Bush kill Arafat? The only reason that the Palestinian territories had elections was the death of Arafat. So, did Bush admit to assasinating Arafat? Or is he taking credit for "God's work?"

Avedon notes that the speech was Nixonesque.

When is the Citizen Journalist going to report?

I have been busy gathering data on a local softball team. Not only are they terrible, but they have a fella on the team that is homely with a hot wife. I am indeed investigating his activities to see if he is involved in narcotics trafficing or something, cuz you know well he can't get storeboughts like that without teeth.. Can he? I will report soon.

Oh and go see Skippy. He is running a marathon to get a million hits by his 3 year anniverary....

Skippy here is all the traffic LOSLI can muster.

Love letters I never sent....

I recently found a box of my old stuff from a long time ago. This love letter was dated 1987. Which would have meant I was 8 when I wrote it. Transcribed word for word, misspellings and all.

Dear Stephanie,
Hi. I was thinkeen. Sence you are bigger thin me, maybe you could proatec me from that mean girl Jill. She tryd to byt my ear off the other day. I wuld be a good boyfrind. I promise. You shur do throe a dodgeball hard.

yur boyfrin of the fueture hopfuly
Jess

Now I know, it is not as good as one of Harvey's but I was 8. Give me a break.

Conversations with MS Excel Volume 3

Me: Aha. Who is your daddy now trick biatch?

MS Excel:

Me: I figured that out, you and your punk ass can no longer keep your secrets revealed. I am your master.

MS Excel:

Me: Thats right. Boo yeah bitch.

MS Excel: Uh listen buddy, I know you are proud that you learned how to sort... But at the same time a four year old named Billy Johnson in Madison Wisconsin just did the same thing. At the pace you learn you may be able to write formulas in about 2050. Now go kick some more ass tiger.

Me:

MS Excel: Did I hear something about someone being someone's daddy?

Me:

MS Excel: Who has who mastered?

Me: Alright damn you and your Seattle shitty coffee drinking attitude all to hell.

MS Excel: Fatal error.

Me:

RandomTom Cruise thoughts while eating a lunch of fish and chips and basking in the drearyness of a London afternoon after having been pelted with water in the face...

Scientology is normal, scientology is normal scientology is normal, scientology is normal, my fiance is like a foot and a half taller than me, scientology is normal, scientology is normal, scientology is normal, the aliens are coming, oh shit when the aliens take me away they will see that I am wearing Katie's panties? Scientology is kinda normal, everyone else is weird, I should have kept Penelope... that pussy was off the hook, L. Ron Hubbard is my Jehovah.

Random Karl Rove thought...

I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, DICK CHENEY IS MY BITCH. I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, GEORGE W. BUSH IS MY LITTLE PUPPY CHIMP. I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, SEPTEMBER 11th 2001, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals, I hate liberals. SCOOTER LIBBY IS A SWEETIE. I don't care what you think. I am a GOD.

Random Dick Durbin thought

Gitmo good, Gitmo good, Gitmo good. Gitmo good, Gitmo good, no more nazi references. I love our troops. Gitmo is a wholesome place. If I said something wrong,I am sorry. Where is the coffee? I need a Parliament Light ... Menthol maybe... Mmm recessed filters. Gitmo good wholesome place.

Conversations with Pears volume 7

Me: "..."

Pear: "..."

Me: "...."

Pear: "... Well, if you want to sit in silence, then you don't need me..."

Me: "...."

Pear: "...What the hell good does it do you to have talking fruit, when you refuse to talk to it?..."

Me: "...."

Pear: "... Well, fine be that way then. I really don't care, "Stuck on You" is on HBO anyway..."

Me: "...Right, enjoy the show..."

Pear: "It is no "Get Shorty".... But it will work on a lazy Saturday afternoon...."

Me: "....Heh, indeed..."

A citizen journalist reports from Salt Lake City

Day 1.
Nothing to report from Day 1 except that the lady that checked me into the hotel was a brunette probably mid 40's. She was nice enough, though a little homely. I do not see any reason to report on her further. If that changes I will notify you.

Day 2.
I stopped by a local 7-2-11 convinience store to get a much needed energy boost (Gatorade) so that I can report properly. While in the store, I observed the two clerks conversing with one another and giggling. One asked the other to see her hand. She showed her an apparently empty hand. Being that I am indeed a citizen journalist.

I investigated. I asked the situation. She told me that she had just given back her wedding ring to her husband, and that she was going to get a divorce. She seemed too happy about her newly developed status as "single" I will investigate further. I asked and received her phone number only as a means to continue into my investigation, because the LOSLI readers need to know.

While I was inside investigating Angela the clerk's marriage issues, a fight seems to have broken out in the parking lot. When I arrived upon the scene all that remained were tire tracks as the groups chased one another down the street.

I surveyed a green nissan pickup carrying a load of generators. Through questioning I attained that the driver was a generator sales representative. I asked all the tough questions and he answered properly. After my investigations are complete, I plan on napping before dinner.

Overheard at a Subway restaurant

Man: "...I hope these sanwich artists don't oversculpt my damn sandwich."

Woman: "...Are you trying to be funny or are you just a complete and utter idiot?"

Man:"...."

Woman: "...What would Jared do?"

Man: "...Who?"

Woman: "...You know the guy who lost all the weight eating this stuff?"

Man: "...Umm"

Woman: "... He damn sure would not be bitching while the "artists" worked.

Man: "... OK"

Woman: "...Does Jared intimidate you? Bow down"

Man: "... Lady your infatuation with Jared is a bit on the nutty side."

Woman: "..."

*Update*
Go send Jennilicious your recipes. I left mine in comments. She needs help, Jess aims to please.... there ya go.

She said she wants some Marvin Gaye....

Some Luther Vandross, a little Aretha to set this party off right.

Meanwhile he wants maccaroni and cheese, a good steak and SEX.

I usually avoid "list" things but.... I will do this one

From Julie... Who got it from Charlie... Who got it from Ginger...
I admit to the ones in bold. And no, you may not ask about "the details"!

01. Bought everyone in the pub a drink (Yeah... a couple of times)
02. Swam with wild dolphins (No, fish fuck in the water, I don't drink it or frolick in it)
03. Climbed a mountain (Indeed)
04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula.(I was stupid, may still be)
07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone (Does the pear count?)
08. Said ‘I love you’ and meant it
09. Hugged a tree (Also humped it...)
10. Done a striptease (Watched a lot though)
11. Bungee jumped
12. Visited Paris
13. Watched a lightning storm at sea
14. Stayed up all night long, and watch the sun rise(4 days straight)
15. Seen the Northern Lights
16. Gone to a huge sports game
17. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
18. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
19. Touched an iceberg
20. Slept under the stars(Literally hundreds of nights)
21. Changed a baby’s diaper
22. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon
23. Watched a meteor shower
24. Gotten drunk on champagne
25. Given more than you can afford to charity
26. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope
27. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment
28. Had a food fight
29. Bet on a winning horse
30. Taken a sick day when you’re not ill
31. Asked out a stranger
32. Had a snowball fight
33. Photocopied your bottom on the office photocopier
34. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
35. Held a lamb
36. Enacted a favorite fantasy
37. Taken a midnight skinny dip
38. Taken an ice cold bath
39. Had a meaningful conversation with a beggar
40. Seen a total eclipse
41. Ridden a roller coaster
42. Hit a home run
43. Fit three weeks miraculously into three days
44. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
45. Adopted an accent for an entire day
46. Visited the birthplace of your ancestors
47. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment
48. Had two hard drives for your computer
49. Visited all 50 states
50. Loved your job for all accounts
51. Taken care of someone who was shit faced
52. Had enough money to be truly satisfied
53. Had amazing friends
54. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
55. Watched wild whales
56. Stolen a sign
57. Backpacked in Europe
58. Taken a road-trip
59. Rock climbing
60. Lied to foreign government’s official in that country to avoid notice
61. Midnight walk on the beach
62. Sky diving
63. Visited Ireland
64. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love (Almost every relationship I have ever been in.)
65. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
66. Visited Japan
67. Benchpressed your own weight
68. Milked a cow
69. Alphabetized your cds
70. Pretended to be a superhero
71. Sung karaoke
72. Lounged around in bed all day
73. Posed nude in front of strangers
74. Scuba diving
75. Got it on to “Let’s Get It On” by Marvin Gaye
76. Kissed in the rain
77. Played in the mud
78. Played in the rain
79. Gone to a drive-in theater
80. Done something you should regret, but don’t regret it
81. Visited the Great Wall of China
82. Discovered that someone who’s not supposed to have known about your blog has discovered your blog
83. Dropped Windows in favor of something better
84. Started a business
85. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken
86. Toured ancient sites
87. Taken a martial arts class
88. Swordfought for the honor of a woman
89. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight
90. Gotten married
91. Been in a movie
92. Crashed a party(Wedding)
93. Loved someone you shouldn’t have (Still Do)
94. Kissed someone so passionately it made them dizzy
95. Gotten divorced
96. Had sex at the office
97. Gone without food for 5 days
98. Made cookies from scratch
99. Won first prize in a costume contest
100. Ridden a gondola in Venice
101. Gotten a tattoo
102. Found that the texture of some materials can turn you on
103. Rafted the Snake River
104. Been on television news programs as an “expert”
105. Got flowers for no reason
106. Masturbated in a public place
107. Got so drunk you don’t remember anything
108. Been addicted to some form of illegal drug
109. Performed on stage
110. Been to Las Vegas
111. Recorded music
112. Eaten shark
113. Had a one-night stand
114. Gone to Thailand
115. Seen Siouxsie live
116. Bought a house
117. Been in a combat zone
118. Buried one/both of your parents
119. Shaved or waxed your pubic hair off
120. Been on a cruise ship
121. Spoken more than one language fluently
122. Gotten into a fight while attempting to defend someone
123. Bounced a check
124. Performed in Rocky Horror
125. Read - and understood - your credit report
126. Raised children
127. Recently bought and played with a favorite childhood toy
128. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
129. Created and named your own constellation of stars
130. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country
131. Found out something significant that your ancestors did
132. Called or written your Congress person
133. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over
134. …more than once? - More than thrice?
135. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
136. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking
137. Had an abortion or your female partner did
138. Had plastic surgery (Reconstructive after a wreck)
139. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived.
140. Wrote articles for a large publication (Does LOSLI count?)
141. Lost over 100 pounds
142. Held someone while they were having a seizure
143. Piloted an airplane
144. Petted a stingray
145. Broken someone’s heart
146. Helped an animal give birth (No I was not even the father)
147. Been fired or laid off from a job
148. Won money on a T.V. game show
149. Broken a bone
150. Killed a human being
151. Gone on an African photo safari
152. Ridden a motorcycle
153. Driven any land vehicle at a speed of greater than 100mph
154. Had a body part of yours below the neck pierced
155. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol
156. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
157. Ridden a horse
158. Had major surgery
159. Had sex on a moving train
160. Had a snake as a pet
161. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
162. Slept through an entire flight: takeoff, flight, and landing
163. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
164. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
165. Visited all 7 continents
166. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days (kayak)
167. Eaten kangaroo meat
168. Fallen in love at an ancient Mayan burial ground
169. Been a sperm or egg donor
170. Eaten sushi
171. Had your picture in the newspaper
172. Had 2 (or more) healthy romantic relationships for over a year in your lifetime
173. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about
174. Gotten someone fired for their actions
175. Gone back to school
176. Parasailed
177. Changed your name
178. Petted a cockroach
179. Eaten fried green tomatoes
180. Read The Iliad
181. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
182. Dined in a restaurant and stolen silverware, plates, cups because your apartment needed them
183. …and gotten 86′ed from the restaurant because you did it so many times, they figured out it was you
184. Taught yourself an art from scratch
185. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
186. Apologized to someone years after inflicting the hurt
187. Skipped all your school reunions
188. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language (So it was a Mexican hooker, but it counts)
189. Been elected to public office
190. Written your own computer language
191. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream
192. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
193. Built your own PC from parts
194. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
195. Had a booth at a street fair
196: Dyed your hair
197: Been a DJ
198: Found out someone was going to dump you via LiveJournal
199: Written your own role playing game
200: Been arrested

Randall Terry talks to french fries...

Randall Terry: "... If that farmer had aborted or sprayed you, I would not be enjoying your golden brown flavor. It is fuel for my civil disobedience, I love my french fries almost as much as I love my former cellmate Juaquin."

French Fry:

Randall Terry: "... I must have my strength to fight for the fetus'. "

French Fry: "...By dipping me in ketchup you are indeed skewing my flavor as you have tried to slant and skew the issues in which you address."

Randall Terry: "... Fuck you man. I knew I should have ordered the onion rings. They grow underground in the dark. They do not have the attitude that you do..."

French Fry: "... Why don't you eat mushrooms. They are covered with shit, kept in the dark, and fungus. Strangely they remind me of you."

Randall Terry: "... The injustice. I do not care what the autopsy said. Michael Schiavo is a killer. Terri would be alive today, if it were not for him and activist judges. To hell with it. I am only talking to burgers from now on."

French Fry: "... Do you like veal?"

Randall Terry: "... Yeah why?"

French Fry: ".... Fucking idiot."

Inspired by.... Randall Terry's idiotic statement on CNN tonight regarding Terri Schaivo. I will link to it as soon as I find it. Of course I could not have written this with out Jeff G.'s inpiration.

True story....

I am a cellphone person. I travel a lot. It is the only way to get a hold of me most of the time.

I program a lot of numbers into it, as a matter of fact most every number that I dial I program in. I rarely erase numbers, but often when a romance ends I will change the names of the certain women to "Do not answer." "She is Crazy" "Not Tonight." I usually change their ringtones to "Mo Money Mo Problems." I do this so that if they call and alcohol has been flowing, I do not tell some psychotic lady "Baby, I bet you look good tonight. I miss you. Hell I even love you." This lesson also usually helps deter me from "Drunk Dialing"

I am spending some time this week, in one of my company's other offices. After introductions to everyone this morning, I went to talk to the local manager in his office. I forgot I had left my cellphone in the front area on the receptionist desk.

I hear footsteps approaching the manager's office. The receptionist comes up.

Receptionist: "...Mr. Jesse you have a call."

Me: "...What does the Caller ID say?"

Receptionist: "... The Bitch"

Me: ".... Hit that bottom button on the side. It will shut it off."

Receptionist: "...Ex eh?"

Me: "...Yup."

Receptionist: "... That's a hell of an idea. It would prevent drunk dials"

Me: (To manager) "...She is smart."

*UPDATE*
Who is "The Bitch?" I dated her about a year and a half ago, she is a cocktail waitress, with an ass that doesn't quit and an attitude that would make Christ cry. She is about as charming as a female crocodile during menopause.

Conversations with Pears volume 6

Me: ".... So how are you?"

Pear: ".... I woke up."

Me: ".... Were you asleep?"

Pear: "... I was napping."

Me: "... Should I let you go?"

Pear: "... We gonna hit the clubs tonight?"

Me: "... I don't see why not."

Pear: "...It's settled then. I am going to shake it like a polaroid picture."

Me: "... How do you go about doing that without legs and all? I can see you rolling but dancing... Sounds doubtful."

Pear: "....Don't hate the player fool. Hate the game."

*UPDATE The pear dissapeared I think he went to the restroom a few minutes later our conversation resumed.*

Me: "...I hear ya dawg."

Pear: "...When I was in the VA I saw Jeremy "The pipmpmonger" Bol. He can dance. Yo Pimpmonger pass the Henessy. Smoke a Cuban Dawg... We feel ya."

Me: "...Sounds like fun, you two are both cool kats, not that I am calling you pussies or anything, kats like James Dean ya know."

Pear: "...Julie B is going to be Mrs. Pear."

Me: "... Does she know that?"

Pear: "... Yo Julie, girl hit me up. 800-BIG-PEAR."

Pear: "... She understands how my leaves work."

Me: "...You are a crazy fucker aren't you."

Pear: "... Takes one to know one, dumbass."

*UPDATE 2* 4 Julie B, who wondered if the East coast girls enjoyed the big succulent

Pear: "... I was reminded of the Game's song "How We Do" ... You know the part where he said "These G-Unit girls just want to have fun. Coke and Rum." Big Succulent enjoyed as did the ladies the swallowing of the succulentness. Sadly though One said I was to "gritty." I told her to go eat a fucking kiwi. They are hairy. I am smooth, let that hooker experience bad fruit... just once. She will be back begging me to bring my "grittyness."

Me: "... Wow. You are something. I take it you are getting inspiration from the comments."

Pear: ".... Mind your own bidness. If I could type your ass would officially be obsolete."

When I think about cheating X3

I weigh in on the political costs. If I ever were to run for papacy.... all this gratuitous "straight" sex, well, might be frowned upon. Though I am not catholic, a career in Vatican City is not impossible.

A quick catch up....

First, I want to express my sincerest gratitude to those of you that have stuck around and continue to comment and encourage me. My life has been hectic these past couple of months, both personally and professionally. I must thank two very great people for opening up to me, and giving me a place to vent...

I recently received two e-mails in response to one of my postings. Two people offering me a place to talk. Thanks for being around for me D.C. and Julie B.

OK, ok, ok.... you want something funny
Whiskey is healthy.

Something true
*It is official*
Ralph is cooler than me.
Charlie is cooler than me.
OK you all are cooler than me. But at least I have tried.

Why so mysterious lately?
Because I am an international man of mystery.

Phil Jackson returns to the Lakers. A surprise? No. It was not like he was fucking one of the executives or anything.

*UPDATE*
Whiskey really is healthy. Not good whiskey, that is not healthy... Rock gut bourbon, that my friends is like a vitamin C shot.

I hope that they serve Mint Juleps in hell

There is no better drink* on a HOT, sultry, southern day.

I am opening up tonight.....

Right, wrong or indifferent. Jess is going to be the real Jess.... tonight. I am going to just say what is on my mind, I am going to say too much. I am going to be what this blog has been lacking. Me. Fuck the detractors. They will hate me regardless.

Jess is off.

C U N A DAY OR 2.

Random sewing blogger thought

Oh shit, I got my thimble stuck on my thumb and can not type. How am I going to tell all my readers about the handbag that I sewed? Damn it. Damn it all to hell.

*Yes, I am taking shots at the seamstress blogging*

When I think about cheating X2

I am usually alone... and that is just not right.

When I think about cheating...

I think about the cost of hookers. It deters me.

*UPDATE*
For the humor impaired this is a joke.

Unions

I found other non-union Dems. Julie B, had a guest poster whom identified themselves as doggystyle in her comments. Chuck from B-trans is like me and anti-union? Is this a movement? Doubtful... though, Kevin Drum appears to be likeminded as well.

I agree with Doggystyle that unions have outdated themselves, and that the Democratic party... if they want to become a true party of the people, need to be for the people.

X-Posted @ GCS

Stick handling a priority.... Math not

Report from Canadian schools.

Report from Michael Jackson's defense team. (Which this blogger has faithfully stayed away from, both Michael and his trial.)

Report from some other school, that this mother attended before developing a ass crack habit, among other nasty habits.

A challenge... write a headline and tie three news stories to it. We will call this the LOSLI News Meme.

Let's see how Julie does with it?

Conversations with Pears volume 5

Pear: How was dinner?

Me: It was good. "T-Rex" is a mother effer, but dinner was quite tasty.

Pear: Who did you go to dinner with?

Me: A former co-worker that now is a client of mine. I call him God.

Pear: Why God?

Me: He is all knowing. Besides he calls me Jesus. An inside joke so to speak.

Pear: Yeah. One that you should have kept inside and not wasted my time with worthless antecdotal stories.

Me: You asked.

Pear: My mistake. What kind of dreams are you having that you needed me to help you with?

Me: I dream of tacos.

Pear: Uh huh.

Me: And cookies.

Pear: You have a lot of sexual tension built up. You need to get laid.

Me:

Pear: Really dude, you need to get laid like a squeaky hinge needs WD-40. You can probably survive without it but you are going to annoy the fuck out of us until you get it.

Me:

Pear: Don't shoot the messenger. Start dialing, line something up for tomorrow night.

Me:

Pear: If I had arms, I would do it for you but alas, I can not. So dial now bitch.

Me: What do tacos and cookies that attack me have to do with sexual tension anyway?

Pear: It is Freudian... You wouldn't get it.

When will the pear talk to us again?

I plan on asking him tonight to help me with some dream analysis. I had some crazy ones last night.

Like what? Well, lets just say it involved tacos from my favorite mexican restaurant and chocolate chip cookies, maybe the cookies were oatmeal chocolate chip even. Mmm.

Great dream, too bad the damn cookies started attacking me.

Life's little pleasures....

Chipotle Burritos.
I only eat them when I am in Denver. Damn that was a good burrito tonight. I enjoyed it. May even have another one tomorrow. I prefer the steak, blackbean with the hot tomatillo sauce. You can not get a burrito from Chipotle without cheese and sourcream. Tonight's Chipotle stop was at the intersection of Yale and Colorado Blvd. I am aware that Chipotle Restaurants are nationwide, but to me they are a Denver thing.

Nutritional info
My burrito has 49g of fat, and
1198 calories. How about yours?

Good thing I got the diet soda....

*UPDATE*
If burritos are really your thing, and you are single, I suppose a person could look at the burrito soulmate section of this website. No, I did not sign up for an account. Not.......yet at least.

I remember before I tried a Chipotle burrito a year or so ago, I read about them from Colorado Luis, yes.... they are as good as I am making them sound.

Blogthing Mania... More about me. (NOW WITH UPDATES!)

UPDATE With a couple of answers changed.....

Via Jeremy with a J

Was the juice worth the squeeze?

YES!!!! The juice was worth the squeeze, as a matter of fact I would belly right back up to the juice bar, with a 44 oz frosted juice glass!

Inspired by The Girl Next Door

I oft times ask myself just this question. So far in my life the answer has been yes. Can you say that?

Oh and for the Google searchers looking for the definition of the term MILF. It means

M. I. L. F. = Mother I'd Like to F**K.
Commonly used used by me. In the context of "Hey mother do you want another?"

JOKING. RE-FUCKING-LAX Because I am.....

Back from Marz!

Dave Chappelle has returned from his spiritual retreat in South Africa. He recently appeared at two Los Angeles comedy clubs. My favorite Chappelle skit is still "Marz Bitches." It is unknown whether Comedy Central will run a third season of the "Chappelle Show."

A LOSLI Interview with Jess of LOSLI

LOSLI: Not much to say lately or what?

Jess: Busy, busy, busy....

LOSLI: Yeah?

Jess: The thing about Texas is there are these things called "Chiggers" or "Red Bugs" I got into some. They burrow under your skin. I had to kill them. So I asked a native Texan how to get rid of them....

LOSLI: Right. Then what?

Jess: Well, they told me to bathe in bleach. Do you know how bad that hurts? Jesus man, I thought I was going to die. That prick told me to put in a gallon or so of clorox. You have never experienced pain until clorox hits your you knows...

LOSLI: Why didn't you just dab it on?

Jess: Hindsight is always 20-20.

LOSLI: What the hell? Are you some kind of a fucking moron?

Jess: Screw you and your all infinite fucking Clorox wisdom. You no blogging prick....

LOSLI: OK, do your thing there Clorox Kid.

Jess:

LOSLI: Hey, uh you don't happen to have any bleach do you?

Jess:

LOSLI: Come on now, I need some bleach.

Jess: Right.....

LOSLI: Because you know my balls are really feeling pretty good and I want to be a moron that puts them in a tub full of bleach, it must be some kind of right of passage from being an normal human being, to being a complete and utterly contempt fucking idiot.

*Update*
It's official, I am fucking tired. Too tired to care if any of you get this.

From the Nascar track

Martinsville, VA - LOSLI News Network (LNN)

Mark Martin could not let Rusty Wallace's "Miller Lite Last Call" tour be the only farewell or retirement tour on the Nascar circuit. Martin and his sponsor Viagra announced today that they have named this, Martin's last season "The South Will Rise Again" tour.

Martin was quoted as saying "We are very excited about this. After that sniveling punk Wallace is through having his "Last Call" the south will still be rising."

Martin was spotted later that afternoon looking down into his racing suit, and shouting commands to a "General Lee." Martin was then heard mumbling to himself about he had to hold off the north or groupies until more reinforcements or viagra arrived.

When reached for comment Rusty Wallace stated that he hoped Martin had resolved his problems with the south rising "prematurely" and being squashed 30 seconds later, he then explained that he and Mrs. Mark Martin had been spending some "quality" time together, and during their recent weekend in Tuscaloosa Mrs. Martin had confided in him, the tale of Mark and how he came to be sponsored by Viagra. He also mentioned claw marks down his back, a chicken shed in Louisiana, and a Hyundai Sonata.

Wallace then asked if the LNN reporter was carrying any crack cocaine or pepto bismol.

With the recent studies linking Viagra and blindness the reason of Martin's retirement has become clear.

YAY

Thank you blogging gods. For making me # 1 at something.