How 'Bout Them Apples?

Stripper Mugshot fun

Oh my. Mmm. Uh yeah, I am going back to bed. I like number 8

~~~~~Story here

And if you ever miss that putt again, there will be hell to pay.... trick biatch. Oh and I gawd damn sure did not need a car that fucking bad~. If you are caught in a traffic jam at least you would have something to drink.

The first post in the LOSLI conceptual series

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. If you were psychic you would have understood the whole post. ~~~

My First Conversation with a Waitresses Munu Style

Me: "Hi."

Waitress: "Hi. How are you today?"

Me: "I get better all the time like fine wine old cheese and good women."

Waitress: (To my co-worker) "Is he full of shit or is he just this flattering?"

Co-worker: "He is just Jess."

Waitress (To co-worker) "Does he talk all the time? Or is he just trying to impress me?"

CW: "He is always this way though his eyes did light up when you walked up to the table."

Me: "I am not sure about that. By the way I am Jess."

Waitress: "I am H."

Me: Right. "Nice to meet you madame." (Take her hand in mine)

CW: "See what I mean?"

Waitress: "He makes me feel like I am the only woman in the room or the world."

Me: "Quite simply you are the only one that can take my order."

CW: (As waitress walks away) "How do you do it?"

Me: "Do what?"

CW: "Waitresses at every restaurant we go to love you. How?"

Me: "Well, when they wait on you, they basically have to talk to you."

H.: "Hi Sweetie, here is your water." (Smiles sweetly)

CW: "Unfuckingbelievable." (As H. walks away.)

Me: "Try being friendly to people they respond."

CW: "My wife would not like that."

Me: "Nice thought though huh?"

H.: "One chicken caesar salad for you."

Me: "Thanks H. "

CW: "I ordered the sandwich."

H.: "Oh yeah. Here you go sir."

CW: "Thanks."

A FEW MINUTES LATER

H.: (To co-worker) "Do you want a desert?"

CW: "Yes. A peach cobbler." (Waitress walks away)

CW: She did not ask you if you wanted desert too.

Me: Oh well.

H: (To co-worker) "Here is your peach cobbler"

H: (To me) "I brought you a rasberry cheesecake. I thought my sweetest customer deserved my sweetest desert. I bought it for you too."

Me: "Am I blushing?"

Conversations with household appliances

Me: "Damn what is wrong with you? Damn dishwasher."

Dishwasher: "...."

Me: "That's what I thought punk."

Refrigerator: "Do you really think that talking to a dishwasher that is not here is going to make one appear? Oh and you really do need to get to washing those dishes. I smell a faint hint of three day old bacon coming from the sink."

Me: "..."

Refrigerator: "Hop to it there frenchie. Those dishes have not washed themselves yet and probably won't start. While your at it would you spray me down with the Clorox Clean Up? That shit is like a nice coconut tanning oil for a refridgerator."

Me: "..."

Refrigerator: "Daylight is wasting. Lets go soldier."

Me: "Sir yes sir."

Refrigerator: "Don't call me sir. I work for a living."

Me: "..."

Refrigerator: "Keeping food cool is a lot like pimping. It aint easy."

A couple of quick things...

An observation.

When at the gym in the locker room "skinny" people will hop on the scales fully dressed with everything in their pockets, shoes on, and fully clothed. Meanwhile the rest of us strip everything off including our watches to make sure we get an accurate weight count. We would not want an extra ounce on us now would we?

The way that I felt on February 16th 2004 (My 25th birthday) when I left the Republican Party. A beautifully written letter. All I can say is wow. Just wow. Maybe it will help you understand my politics a little better. Well, I never was into Cary Grant but anyway. A great "Dear John" letter. Hard Hat Tip Key Issues

I am working on a business plan and my posting will bne sparse for a day or three, but don't give up on me.

Starin at the world through my rearview

Now I know the answer to the question do dreams come true. Staring at the world through my rearview. Go on baby scream to god he can hear you. What do we mean starin at the world through my rearview? The world is behind us once we get an understanding of what the rules and the levels of the game are it all makes sense the world is ours.

Tupac Shakur

My kind of lady x2

Awkward conversations volume 1

Me: "... Uh I dunno."

Her: "... Why don't you know."

Me: "... I dunno anything."

Her: "... How come you never know anything?"

Me: "... I dunno."

Her: "... It is no wonder that you can't make your relationships last, that and if they do not put out on the first date then you give up on them."

Me: "... I dunno."

Her: "... Think about it. "

Me: "... Damn it grandma, I am not talking to you anymore."

*JOKE*

My kind of lady....

Conversations with Pears Volume 9

Me: "..."

Pear: "... Damn it say something. You initiated the conversation."

Me: "... Right, so uh how are you getting on with Olga?"

Pear: "... Great we can't communicate and she puts out."

Me: "... Because she is Swedish?"

Pear: "... No, because she doesn't have a mouth."

Me: "... Nor do you."

Pear: "... It is an inheirited trait, I come from a long line of talking pears."

Me: "... But how?"

Pear: "... Just know that I do not talk out of my ass unlike someone in this room."

Me: "...."

Pear: "..."

Me: "..."

Pear: "... Any guesses to whom I may be referencing with that comment?"

Me: "... I am betting it is not Olga."

Pear: "... Correct."

Me: "... That only leaves me."

Pear: "... To think your ignorant ass has an MBA."

Profound.

Some fun links

Peyton Manning taunts Tom Brady with ESPY.

Armstrong can have it, tour riders say.

To hell with energy efficiency, lets party! Say Bush, Cheney.

Stay of execution squandered again.

Talking Point #1.

Introducing Olga.... She is the pear's new girlfriend.

She is a Swede, how could our pear not like her?

Photo from Heather.

My advice to you...

Begin each day as if it were on purpose. Or at least finish them in that way.

Breaking.... from Washington, DC President Bush announces Karl Rove leaked Plame name but, was under imperius curse.

Washington, DC
President George W. Bush announced today that Karl Rove his Deputy Chief of Staff did indeed leak the name of C.I.A. agent Valerie Plame. Bush insisted that Rove had done nothing wrong for Howard Dean, a dark wizard that now is in charge of the DNC, placed him under the imperius curse. “Dean and his democratic followers are evil. I would definitely compare them to the quote un quote Death Eaters of the Dark Lord Voldemort Hussein.” Said the wary looking president.

When asked how the administration had found out about Rove’s being cursed Bush curtly said, “There are tests a great wizard like Harry Potter, me, or the late Albus Dumbledore can do. We can tell an evil doer when we see them, er… well when we rub our wands on them.” Rove appears to be doing well with his treatments and is expected to be released from St. Mungoes hospital in London later this week.

A shock wave seemed to hit the nation once word spread about the president's advisor being under the influence of an evil wizard. Rumors around Washington D.C. are already flying about Bush being a squib or non-magical person born to a magical family. Gangus Carlson of Macon Georgia reacted to the president’s announcement by saying “Hmm. Do you think the first lady is a witch or did Bush marry a mud blood? I doubt it, now that Teresa Heinz Kerry she was definitely a witch. Did you bring the cheetos Frank?”

Howard Dean reacted by screaming “No comment.” Senator Dick Durbin (D) IL mentioned Bush’s remarks and Dean’s reaction in a speech today that took place in an empty Chicago men’s room. “I call a few Republican’s Nazis and the dark lord uh I mean Howard Dean banishes me to this bathroom. That Bush called us evil like the death eaters and all that punk can manage is a gawd damn no comment. Bush just admitted he is a wizard, nail him Howie nail him”

In other news President Bush announced today that he will be out of the country on a diplomatic mission. Apparently after reading the Harry Potter series Bush is convinced that he is a wizard as well and is headed to King's Cross Station Platform 9 and 3/4,to get aboard the Hogwart's express and then to embark on his magical education at place called Hogwarts.

*Legal Notice*
Satirical, so relax.

Reviews of Books in ten words or less - Harry Potter and the Half Blood Prince

Tittilating, yet still confused about why adults dress in costume.~

Scenes from a Denver, CO farmer's market

At a corn on the cob stand.

Me: "...This corn is tasty."

Corn Lady: "...Yes."

Me: "...Be really good with some butter and seasoning salt."

Corn Lady: "... Well, you would want to use organic butter and sea salt."

Me: "... Why is that?"

Corn Lady: "... You would not want to taint my precious corn with non organic materials."

Me: ".... Though once I purchase it, the corn belongs to me."

Corn Lady: "... I will buy it back."

Me: "... Don't worry lady I am just messing with you. I will use organic stuff. You are a bit different eh?"

Corn Lady: "...George W. Bush stole the elections of 2000 and 2004."

Me: "... Righto. You really are different eh? You, don't know a guy by the name of Willie do you? He is like you...."

Corn Lady: No, but well uh, is he nice?"

Me: "Oh, he is ok."

Corn Lady: "Send him by. I like people that are like minded to me."

*UPDATE*
Changed for commenter Erica~.

I took all the mean things and a link out..... Maybe I can stay on one of my three reader's good sides.

Scenes from a Denver, CO Barnes and Noble

10:02 AM - July 16 2005

A group of adults dressed in wizard attire congregates at the door. They see me approaching. They look at me as if I am the weird one. The following conversation ensued.

Wizard # 1: (A 55ish looking man wearing a green cape and long scraggly beard) "... Hey er there muggle. You coming to get the "HBP"?"

Me: "... Huh?

Wizard # 2: (A 35ish looking man wearing a black bath robe) "... Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. Where the hell have you been muggle?"

Me: "... Do you guys work here or what?"

Wizard # 1: "... Er no, why do you ask muggle?"

Me: "...Let me get this straight. You four adults are dressed in costume, loitering outside of a bookseller, you are not employed by said bookseller, are calling me names, ie muggle, and expect me to take you seriously? I could see you guys dressing up like this at midnight last night, yet ten hours later the mystique has to have worn off. Right? If you were children, yes I could see it. You guys are averaging just a guess 45 years of age. You should not have curfews."

Witch # 1: (A 40ish woman dressed in black with the dunce cap and all) "... You would not get it muggle. You Hagrid hating muggle."

Me: Righto then.

Witch # 1: "... Go, look at your sports magazines."

Me: "... Right."

Witch # 1: "... Jo Rowling is a true American hero."

Me: "... Pardon me ma'am but is she not British?"

Wizard # 3:(A 42ish man with thinning hair and a gold tooth in the front to accentuate his yellow mid-evil cloak) To witch #1 "... He's right you twit."

Wizard # 2: To Wizard # 3 "... Why don't you just disapparate. Assfuck.

Me: "... My work here is done."

Conversations with pears x8

Me: "...So, uh yeah. I agree that Rudi Bakhtiar is way hotter than Laurie Dhue."

Pear: "... Don't get me wrong, I would do Ms. Dhue and all, but Rudi, well she makes my stem stand up when I think about her."

Me: "... Indeed, I think it is Rudi's attitude that makes her so hot."

Pear: "... Speak for yourself brother, I like Rudi's uh, chi-chi's. Ooh la la."

Me: "... Some of the readers of LOSLI, have told me that you need a girlfriend. They feel like you have some sexual tension built up."

Pear: "... So, uh what's the hold up? Are you going to get some dainty little granny smith to come help me bust a seed off?"

Me: "... I will start the search."

Pear: "...I like my fruit to be submissive. Nothing I hate more than a lippy source of vitamin c."

Me: ".... You want to set up a profile on e-harmony or match or something?"

Pear: ... Uh, well I was thinking more along the lines of sexsearch. I bet you there are a few stem suckers on there.

Me: "... I don't doubt it a bit."

Pear: "... Chop chop."

Me: "... Sure let me get my Buck knife out."

Pear: "... Stay the hell away from me with that thing.

A citizen journalist reports x5

While staking out a South Colorado Springs Chipotle Grill I ran across a strange looking fella wearing what could be described as 1970's camp counselor attire. His shorts barely hit mid thigh and socks slightly above his knees. His socks were not matching. One had green stripes while the other day glow orange. He was carrying a large ruck sack. He looked strangely like a unkempt James Dobson, he did not answer when I called out "Jimmy, hey Jimmy is that you?" Though he did hesitate a step when I asked him his take on Genesis 17.

While surveiling the unkempt James Dobson, I got distracted by a brunette by the name of Katie. Katie approached me and asked what I was doing. I explained citizen journalism and enlisted her citizen journalist skills to supplement mine in the stake out of the possible head of Focus on the Family. Sadly though, by the time I was done explaining the important job of citizen journalism to Katie the (possible) religious right kingmaker had dissapeared.

I settled for a steak salad from Chipotle and Katies stories of band camp. Maybe I should have learned to play an instrument other than my own skin flute. Those band camp girls are something.

She told me I was funny, I told her looks weren't everything....

*Update*
While staking out a starbucks I heard a gentleman reference Elton John songs three times, and NPR. He is obviously about to commit an act of treason. I will warn the local authorities.

The LOSLI summer in review, so far

Hmm. Aww. That was different. Like Listerine only less intense and not minty.

A brief moment of introspection x2 / Conversations with pears volume 7

Me: "... So uh yeah... I am going to bed soon and all but damn, it has been a bad weekend. Maybe I need to uh well, something."

Pear: "...."

Me: "...."

Pear: ".... So uh PBS huh? Can we watch ESPN or something? This shit is depressing."

Me: "... Right channel 30 isn't it?"

Pear: ".... Fuck man even Fox News is less depressing than this shit."

Me: "... Uh ok. I will leave this remote with you. Hopefully Art Bell doesn't have Richard C. Hoagland on again. He is a putz."

Pear: "... Right then. Leave it here."

Me: "... How are you going to change the channel?"

Pear: ".... Can your dick reach your ass?"

Me: "... Huh?"

Pear: ".... If it can then go fuck yourself."

Message to guy with the Jesus saves bumpersticker that though he has found god, has lost most of his recollection on the simple process of driving.

Jesus may indeed love you but everyone else thinks you are a no driving asshole.

It don't matter what they say... unless you are a blogger then you hang on their every word.

Amen Jim.

Jesus General reviews Doggy Style (literally) Santorum's book.

Little Willie gives us a, well, uh, I am sure it interests some people article.

Pen Elayne shows us how to get pregnant.

Cookie Jill reminds us of just who gets out in the world, versus who sits behind a desk.

Heather is going through some emotional hard times. I wish I could help her more. Here is all the LOSLI love I can send to you sweetie.

Superman. Ha.

Princess Cat is helping to fight poverty.

Maybe more later. Going to BBQ. I have a new recipe for chorizo burgers. Hmm.

A citizen journalist reports x4

Well, not yet.... but soon. I will give you a few hints though of what I am working on.

One of the local reporters from a news station appears to be a real bitch to waitstaff when she orders at restaurants. Am putting together a LOSLI special investigation.

How much 3 Rivers beer, I can drink and still talk to people coherently.

A clerk at the Seven - Eleven told me that she has a piercing fetish. I asked her about her chest being pierced, she said yes as well some areas down south. Being that I make sacrifices for the readers of LOSLI, I will investigate further.

*UPDATE*
Somewhere inbetween the carwash and Wal Mart stops this morning I felt a force pulling me toward Aztec, then north to Hart Canyon... I found myself on the Hart Canyon or Azted UFO Crash scene. I thought maybe the mothership had returned but alas, it was BBQ. A couple of truckdrivers had pulled in and started cooking some lunch. I investigated the scene but found nothing of any interest but pork chops.

A letter to the terrorists from the city of London

Wow. Just go read it.

Via Avedon n my blogfather Travis.

WE ARE ALL BRITS NOW.

Picture, idea,and title courtesy of the llama butchers

*UPDATE*
Longtime LOSLI blogging hero and friend Avedon Carol from The Sideshow a London based blog is OK, and is back in the trenches.

*UPDATE 2*
37 Confirmed dead. Sad.

*UPDATE 3*
More here, here, here, here and here. A plea from me. This is not a partisan issue. Let's not make it one, may we all stand in solidarity with our friends from the other side of the pond.

*UPDATE 4*
Mark in Mexico has put together a nice roundup.

A brief moment of introspection

Me: "....So uh yeah. Sounds different."

Me: "....Don't be scared Frenchie. Your god fearing conservative readers will tell you that god does indeed hate a coward."

Me: "...Charge then?"

Me: "...Like a wounded dog hunting a bear."

Me: "...Though if it was wounded would it really be charging?"

Me: "...Heh, who knows. It is an expression. Now take the strawberry flavored KY to the counter and pay for it, she'll appreciate it."

Me: "...Charge!"

Happy Independence Day and Thank you to all the citizens of this great nation for making it what it is....

This image will be up until July 4th at 11:59 PM. Please scroll down for new material. Oh, and a quick PSA sparkler sparks do not work well to light cigarettes. Believe me I know, 1st hand.

*CUTE CARTOON*

UPDATE: More here, here, here, here and here. Of course here too.... Of course we can't forget these quotes that the always prolific Jeralyn Merritt put up for our viewing pleasure. Yellow Dog Blog's 4th of July greetings.

UPDATE 2:
Please go offer An American Housewife your thoughts and prayers. She lost her husband fighting in the war.

UPDATE 3:
Funny photoshop

UPDATE 4: Via A Swift Kick and a Bandaid

You Are 59% American

Most times you are proud to be an American. Though sometimes the good ole US of A makes you cringe Still, you know there's no place better suited to be your home. You love your freedom and no one's going to take it away from you!

UPDATE 5: If you put up a post commemorating Independence Day leave a comment or a trackback and I will link you.

A citizen journalist reports x3

Ate hamburgers, bbq chicken, corn, potato salad, and drank fat tire beer.

Attended a party to view the fireworks, all was well there.

As a citizen journalist I demand more home made icecream.

Random Geraldo Rivera thoughts

I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I'll be 62 tomorrow. I bet I could kick Chuck Norris ass. I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Why did I go to Aruba? I'll be eligible for social security in a year. Even that fucking Cavuto is getting in on the Shasta Groene game. Shasta.... Wasn't that a cheap soda pop in the 80's? Holloway that is a story. Maybe Goldstein is right about the whole killer ostrich theory. Shit. Why did I go to Aruba? I should have stayed in Coeur D'Alene. Though I do have great hair.

Go see Skippy. He needs his million hits.

*Update*
I am not downplaying the Shasta Groene nor the Natalee Holloway cases. I am simply stating that it is amazing that the triple perhaps quadruple homicide of a cranked out couple and some kids in Idaho became a non-story when a pretty white girl from Alabama disappeared into the night on a tropical island.

Conversations with Clerks mu.nu style x2

Clerk: Hi.

Me:

Clerk: Just the Chaser?

Me: (Grunts)

Clerk: This generally works better if you take it before you drink.

Me:

Clerk: Just food for thought.