How 'Bout Them Apples?

Boys night out meets girls night out X1

Tonight I went out with some buddies of mine after a day of hard work on the golf course. As we sat at our table a group of ladies walked in and sat at the table next to us. After a couple of bourbons I decided that I would talk to them.

The following are the two conversations that I was involved in between the two tables.

Me: "Hi I am Jess."

Girl #1: "Yeah, that is nice."

Me: "Do you have a name?"

Girl #2: "Her name is Jamie. She is a bitch."

Me: "And your name is?"

Girl #3: "Her name is Porsche."

Me: "Is her fat friend Yugo?"

Girl #2: "Actually I am Holly."

Girl #3: "I am married."

Me: "I am not. My future wife has been very lax about getting ahold of me. She does not write, she doesn't call. To tell you the truth I have not even met her yet. Oh well."

Holly: "OK, Jess.... I have to ask. We have been talking about men."

Me: "Yes."

Holly: (Blushing slightly) "Boxers or briefs?"

Me: "Boxers."

Holly: "I prefer boxers personally."

Me: "Thong or grannies?"

Holly: "V-string."

Girl #4: "Commando."

Jamie: "Whore."

Holly: "You have pretty eyes Jess..."

My buddy #1: (from my original table) "Watch him, he likes Holly."

Me: (To my buddy) "She has a great bone structure."

Holly: "Jess, forget about them. Focus. Look at me."

Me: "Yes ma'am."

Holly: "Smile sweetie. You are the only guy at a table full of hot girls."

Me: "I know, you all are hotter than a Phoenix sidewalk in July. Well except for Jamie she is more like Vegas. She will pull you in and play with you for awhile. But there really is no way to win. Especially when you make wise ass comments, like I always do."

My buddy #2: (To buddy #1) "That (Holly) is his achilles heal Latina Women with cute smiles, and tattoos showing just enough to capture his interest."

Me: (To my table) "What do I owe you guys? Here is forty."

Buddy #2 "On me Jess, How about an introduction to your new friends."

Jamie: "I am not a friend of his."

My buddy: "I am Mikey"

Jamie: "Are you nicer than him?

Mikey: "Yes."

Me: (To Holly) "I am nice."

Jamie: "Maybe, but you are not funny."

Holly: "I think he is."

Jamie: "Mikey tell me about you."

Me: "Holly..."

Holly: "Oh Jess, to hell with them."

A very Merry Fitzmas

But Libby's indictment runs the risk of tarnishing that tough image and eroding Cheney's influence within the administration.

"It's a personal blow to the vice president," said Vin Weber, a former Minnesota Republican congressman. "I know he and Scooter Libby have been close for a long time."

From Mercury News (Emphasis mine)

Go to page 5 of the indictment. Top of the page, item #9.

On or about June 12, 2003, LIBBY was advised by the Vice President of the United States that Wilson's wife worked at the Central Intelligence Agency in the Counterproliferation Division. LIBBY understood that the Vice President had learned this information from the CIA.

Avedon says...This is a crucial piece of information. The Counterproliferation Division (CPD) is part of the CIA's Directorate of Operations, i.e., not Directorate of Intelligence, the branch of the CIA where 'analysts' come from, but the DO, where the spies, the 'operatives' come from.

Libby's a long time national security hand. He knows exactly what CPD is and where it is. So does Cheney. They both knew. It's right there in the indictment.

Daisy Cutter believes that it is a grave injustice. He also probably believes.... well, ask him.

Goldstein liveblogged the day.

Who is Official A? Hunter has a theory.

Duncan has his Fitzmas Eggnog lined up.... Party in Philly.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Jesusland X2

I think he is a fan of the Crimson Tide.

The day the music died.... (Thanks Charlie, it was fun while it lasted)

Oh, and while the king was looking down,
The jester stole his thorny crown.
The courtroom was adjourned;
No verdict was returned.
And while lennon read a book of marx,
The quartet practiced in the park,
And we sang dirges in the dark
The day the music died.

Oh, and there we were all in one place,
A generation lost in space
With no time left to start again.
So come on: jack be nimble, jack be quick!
Jack flash sat on a candlestick
Cause fire is the devil’s only friend.

Thanks for everything my friend. I wish you the best, goodbye and godspeed. Charlie quitting blogging has effected me more than I will ever say. That is all I have to say about that. It was fun.

Scenes from the V.P.'s office

Dick Cheney: "Scooter what the fuck is that smell?"

Scooter Libby: "I dunno. What is it?"

Dick Cheney: "Did you shit your pants again Scooter?

Scooter Libby: "... Uh...."

Dick Cheney: "Listen, Scooter your housekeeper called and said that all your underwear have brown skid marks in them."

Scooter Libby: "..."

Dick Cheney: "I heard Teddy Kennedy humming "It's Begining to Look a lot like Fitzmas in the Copper Penny liquor store today. I think he is taunting me."

Scooter Libby: "Do you think Rummy can get me some of those Army issued brown skivvies?"

Skivvie inspiration here

Random Condi Rice thoughts

"Those freaking frogs finally decided to get on board with us and help with this whole Syrian thing, well it's about time that they saw the light, otherwise I was going to personally draft one that would send our bombs straight at the cess pool of hairy armpitted women known as Paris. Not that I am attracted to women or anything but if I was I would like hairless pits. That is for damn sure."

Overheard at the DOD Monday morning staff meeting

Donald Rumsfeld: "Golly, it sure is a super fantastic morning."

Rest of the Table: "..."

Donald Rumsfeld: "I said good morning staff"

Rest of the Table: "... Good morning Secretary Rumsfeld."

Donald Rumsfeld: "That is much better."

General Peter Pace: "What is on the agenda for this morning?"

Donald Rumsfeld: "We must silence Daniel Goetz. Silence him I say."

General Peter Pace: "Who is Daniel Goetz?"

Donald Rumsfeld: "We must topple his blog like we did that statue of Sadaam in Baghdad."

Rest of the table: "..."

Donald Rumsfeld: "When we take over his blog, called "All the King's Men" we will be greeted as liberators. We will teach him to use Orwellianesque stuff on his blog, the bastard."

Donald Rumsfeld: "Anyone else ever get a craving for a green chile cheese burger at 5:30 am?"

Rest of the table: "...."

Donald Rumsfeld: "Just this morning I was craving one, you know a big and juicy double one, well nobody is open to make me one."

General Peter Pace: "Secretary, back to Daniel Goetz. What did he write on his blog?"

Donald Rumsfeld: "He said mean things about me. Made me cry."

More here.

2000 (Just a moment)

As days goes and nights fall
For the rest of our life we'll miss y'all
And even though life must go on, we'll still mourn
While wishin' y'all were home

And can we please have a moment of truth?
For soldiers and troops away with helmets and boots
And families back home who pray they make it home safe
Hopin' that they don't get hit with a stray or missiles
This is just a moment to let you all know that we miss you

Nas lyrics complete

Inspiration via Rook, Spin Dentist, Duncan, Kos, and everyone else.

fuck.... that says it all

Unfuckingbelievable.... Yes, it is unfuckingbelievable. Jesus, what the fuck is wrong with these people. We, as a society must remember that we all live in glass houses, we needn't throw stones nor judge what we see through the windows, because well face it, in todays times nobody can afford blinds while paying for $2.75 a gallon gas.

Conversations with random people... X6

Me: "I love lime."

Lady in line at the supermarket: "I love lemon."

Me: "I love sprite. Have you tried lime yet?"

Her: "Of course. My husband prefers lemon though so I buy lemon."

Me: "I have not met my wife yet. May never. If she dictates my citrus to me."

Her: "My husband is an overbearing prick."

Me: "My future wife will be a bitch."

Her: "How do you know?"

Me: "It is in my specs."

Her: "You havewife specs?"

Me: "Yup, they have to talk to me."

Her: "Most men are afraid to talk to me."

Me: "Why?"

Her: "I think it because... well, I don't know."

Me: "Nice shoes."

Her: "Why are you looking at my breasts and commenting on my shoes?"

Me: "I am a multi-tasker."

Her: "Want to hear a joke?"

Me: "It does not say anything about my penis size does it?"

Her: (Laughing) "You are funny."

Me: "Ah, but looks are not everything right?"

Her: "I wish I had met you when I was single."

Me: "I met Eddie Money once."

Her:

Me: "He really is a washed out prick, with a inflated sense of self importance, that Eddie Money."

Her: "Do you have a girlfriend?"

Me:

Her: "It is a fair question."

Me: "Do you have a boyfriend?"

Her:

Me: "Have you ever read Samantha Burns?"

Her: "No. But I read Nietzsche."

Me: "Thus spoke Zarathuskra?"

Her: "..."

Me: "...."

Her: "..."

Me: "Did you hear the joke about thethree sad chickens?

Me: "..."

Her: "No."

Me: "I heard it once, but forgot the punchline, I was hoping for a refresher."

Her:

Me: "Moving on...."

Her: "I need some toilet paper...."

Me: "...."

Her: "Wanna walk with me...?"

Me: "...."

Her: "You are strange yet, for some reason I am attracted to you."

Me: "You do not where "Capri" pants do you?"

Her: "No."

Me: "Because well, if you did I would not be able to walk to the toilet paper aisle with you."

Her: "Why?"

Me: "Because anybody I see in those stupid fucking things I immediately despise, my take is that people either need to wear pants or shorts, not capris or skorts."

Her: "You are a case study for a person getting a doctorate in psych."

News in brief

Cheney resigns~~? Well, no... but it might get the google hits up.

It's begining to look a lot like Fitzmas....

Both links via Rainstorm

Chuck sez -- Something Jess agrees with wholeheartedly. "You're just not ready that young...."

Julie is still the ultimate MILF. She, makes me think, uh, well, impure thoughts.

Goldstein got drunk without me. I uh well, was not invited.

I really probably should not have fucked that girl from Lowes this afternoon, but well she asked me too.

NMKen points us to this article on the NM pueblos

Too many others not to add... will update later.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Jesusland....

I heard, now you must keep in mind, that I hear a lot of stuff, that this is a photo of General J.C. Christian*, a great patriot.

* I must reiterate, that this indeed is an uncomfirmed report that the French may have given to try and shake up The General.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Hinduland

A forest service employee in India that seems to be worshipping his guns.

Courtesy of Phil Hendrie

For T.

1 Beer
2 Beers
3 Beers
4 Beers

With you I rarely need more than 4.

O Captain! My Captain

Walt Whitman (1819–1892). Leaves of Grass. 1900.

My Captain does not answer, his lips are pale and still;
My father does not feel my arm, he has no pulse nor will;
The ship is anchor’d safe and sound, its voyage closed and done;
From fearful trip, the victor ship, comes in with object won;
Exult, O shores, and ring, O bells!
But I, with mournful tread,
Walk the deck my Captain lies,
Fallen cold and dead.

This is still my favorite poem. A little known fact, Whitman wrote it for Abraham Lincoln after his death. It hangs on my wall to this day.

2nd annual LOSLI Blog awards

Last year we had a whole lot of fun with our blog awards. This year will be the same.

Accepting suggestions
I have decided to give some of our favorite blogs with a little recognition. I hereby announce Jess' 2005 Blog Awards. Are you a blogger? Do you want an award? Do you know any bloggers that deserve more recognition? Let me know in comments.

NEW STUFF BELOW..... SCROLL DOWN FOR NEW POSTS.

Interpreting music to my life...

Nickelback's Photograph as Jess, would have written it.

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
How did our eyes get so red (Ganjah)
And what the hell is on O'l Dog's head

And this is where I grew up
My parents just sold it to someone new
I never knew we'd ever went without
The second floor is hard for sneaking out

And this is where I went to school
Most of the time I had better things to do
Criminal records never said shit
I must have done it with pure charm and wit.

I wonder if its too late
Should i go back and attend my ceremony to graduate.
Life's better now that it was back then
If I was them I wouldn't let me in

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom door
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye (yes indeed.)

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Goodbye

We used to read the blogs back then
And comment on what we felt.
We said someday we'd find out how if feels
To write for more than just our keyboard.

Kayla's the first girl I kissed
I was so nervous that I nearly missed
She died in a car wreck since then
I haven't seen her since then, but will see her god knows when

Oh oh oh
Oh god I

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom door
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

I miss that town
I cannot believe it
So hard to stay
So hard to leave it

If I could I relive those days
I know the one that would never change

Every memory of looking out the back door
I have the photo that was printed on my bedroom door
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Remember the old arcade
Blew every dollar that we ever made
The cops hated us hanging out
They said somebody went and burned it down

Every memory of walking out the front door
I found the photo of the friend that I was looking for
Its time to say, time to say it
Goodbye, goodbye

Look at this photograph
Everytime I do it makes me laugh
Everytime I do it makes me (cry)

Best Line of the day....

From Billmon

If Howard Fineman is right, and Andrew Card really is making a move to topple Karl Rove, then this country could be in a heap of trouble. Rove, at least, is smart, even if it is a feral, devious brand of intelligence. Card, on the other hand, is as dense as a truck load of gravel -- a half-full truck load of gravel.

It's Mr. Brown to you...

You're Mr. Brown!


Which Reservoir Dog Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

Shamelessly~ borrowed from This blog will be deleted tomorrow.

Random conversations (At a local ice cream parlor)

Lady: "I love Ice cream."

Me: "Hmm."

Lady: "I love raspberry topping on it."

Me: "Hmm."

Lady: "I think raspberry topping is the greatest topping."

Me: "I'm not sure how I feel about intelligent design."

Lady: "Huh?"

Me: "Kinda the way I feel about it."

Lady: "What?"

Me: "I can tell you one thing for sure, Harriet Miers writes one hell of a birthday card."

Conversations with Pears X19

Me:

Pear:

Me:

Pear: "Yo quiero Taco Bell."

Me:

Pear: "I especially enjoy their steak quesadillas."

Me: "Everyone has their vices."

Pear: "Yo quiero Taco Bell."

Pear: "Look buddy, if I had arms I would drive myself."

Me: "Legs would help, as would a height of over 6" in my opinion."

Pear: "I was about to say, that because I am a little short of vital parts to drive I therefore I must rely upon you for your help.

Good night....

Guys look at this, I link specifically for you.

Oh, and Nancy Grace is indeed a.... ______________________.

I hate her more than Geraldo envies Jerry Springer.

I need help.....

I need to do a web page forward. I need to make one page go into another.

Any suggestions?

I will send all the LOSLI Groupies over to Groupie love the hell out of whoever can help me.

Why I like John Madden

Because he states the obvious. For example, from tonight.

"...If San Diego does not score they will lose this game for sure."

A citizen journalist reports X5

Well, being as the Astros won.... I feel the ground getting colder, could hell be freezing over? Could it be true?

My best imitation of a true baseball anouncer:

"Oh my god, the Astros win it in 18 with a walk off homer by Chris Burke. Who the hell is Chris Burke? One gawd damn thing... He really is your unlikely hero.

Pass the flask Jim, lets talk about old times."

Conversations with bartenders

Bartender: Jess, I dunno what I am going to do with you.

Me: Me either.

Bartender: Beer then?

Me: How about a Jim Beam and Diet Pepsi.

The golf cart philospher speaketh well X2

After someone else hits a bad shot.
".... I did not see where your ball went from my place in the cart, but because you are cussing I will deduce that it did not go so well for you. Eh?"

Zen and the art of fly fishing X4

To dry fly or wet fly that indeed is the question.

Rox Populi has a question...

Right here.....

I am a moderate to independent left leaning person. I voted for Bush in 2000. I dunno, to me it seems as though the dems need to get on message. I may not agree with all of the messwage but get one so that we can decide.

My politics. By issue.

Abortion - Pro Choice.
I believe that a woman has a right to live her life and do what she feels is right with her body. It damn sure is not the job of legislators or judges in Washington to decide what a woman in Iowa, New Mexico, Colorado, or Nevada does with her body.

Gun Control - Against most.
I hunt. I believe that most gun control hurts the people that comply with it. I do though believe that there should be mandatory checks and waiting periods.

Immigration - Sensible reforms.
I believe that our borders are weak. We need to regulate them. We need to make sure that people that get in are indeed here to follow not destroy the American Dream.

War - Is hell.
We need to bring the wrath of terror against terrorists. We need not keep double standards of who and why we attack. I was for Afghanistan, and against Iraq....

Minimum wage - Costs money to make money.
I believe that the when the minimum wage goes up so do other costs. If you are a store owner and can now sell toilet paper for $1.00 a roll with today's wages it will cost you a $1.10 with an increase. I am willing to pay it, but are the people that make the minimum wage any better off in the end? Maybe a little, it is indeed and interesting question.

Government leaks - Prosecute them all.
Without a way of keeping our government officials in check, regardless of party we are headed towards a theocraty. We did not build this country to be the best in the world by showing immunity to cronies.

Schools - No child should be left behind.
How do we do that? By making teaching a profession that attracts the best of the best instead of the rejects from other sectors. Listen to me closely, teaching is important. Without the children of today will be the dirilects of tomorrow. If we do not raise our current teacher's wages we will indeed lose a generation. If we pay teachers more, we will indeed recruit the best at molding the young minds.

Business - Capitolism works.
It is what makes us different. We need to encourage small business growth. We need to restablish the middle class, I am sick of seeing a two class system - Broke and Rich.

Drug reform - It doesn't work.
Decriminalize the shit. Set up rehab programs. Clear out jails, for real criminals. Medical marijuana? Yes. Legal marijuana? Sure, if it is monitored. How to pay for the monitoring? CUT THE PORK for bullshit bridges and put the money to awareness and police. Christ, is it that hard to understand? We are building schools in Iraq while they waste away in New Mexico. What the fuck is our problem?

More later.

Goldstein thinks differently.

Another moment of retrospect....

If I hadn't been such an asshole in my younger days... Would life be different today?

The golf cart philosopher speaketh well

After a another player hit a particularly bad shot.
".... I am not sure what you are doing, but it is not right, is it?"

George Bush's conversation with God.

Phone in Oval Office rings. George Bush picks up. The voice on the other end is husky but sounds very falmiliar. Transcript of call.

GWB: Hallow.

God: Hello my son.

GWB: Poppy do you have a cold? You sound different.

God: No this is your heavenly father, calling again.

GWB: How's it going up north?

God: Oh it's alright.

GWB: Can I tell you a secret God?

God: Go ahead, my son.

GWB: I plan on getting the space program to go to Mars. I was thinking then we could meet there for a Odouls. The secret is that I really only want to go to space to be closer to you.

God: Bushie, my son... I am millions of miles out.

GWB: But you make it into the earth to talk to Pat every week or so.

God: I my son, have never spoken to Patty-Cake Robertson. I believe he talks to a former angel of mine that I regret to say left my employ years ago.

GWB:

God:

GWB: You mean.... (Voice trails off) The guys from that movie Dogma?

God: No, I mean Lucifer.(Under Breath) Was Babs hitting the crack pipe while she was knocked up with this jackass?

GWB: What was that God?

God: Nothing my son.

GWB: I been thinking about going commando.

God: Hmm.

GWB: That would not stop my chances of entering the Heavenly compound in which all Bush's go. Would it? Dickie says it would.

God: No, Dickie is not right. I believe he is the son of Lucifer and certain woman in Wyoming. (He must be thinking of shrubbery surely not his family)

GWB: So, uh God, How do you feel about male thongs?

God: No opinion. But alas Bushie I must go.

GWB: Do you like the Prarie Chapel?

GWB: Hello.

GWB: Hello.

GWB: Hello?

GWB: Hello?

Meanwhile Karl Rove smiles at his cell phone knowing that he has pulled off another conversation that George can tell his Palestinian pals. The first one well, it was a little more meaningful.... But it is fun to listen to his questions, male thongs, Jesus Christ.

Political test

Found over at Texas Best Grok.

You are a Social Liberal (70% permissive) and an... Economic Liberal (38% permissive) You are best described as a: Democrat Link: The Politics Test on OkCupid Free Online Dating Also: The OkCupid Dating Persona Test

My third attempt to reassure some of my more liberal readers that I am still Jess

I support Paul Hackett. (Though he is not in my state and I have not sent him any money.)

Conversations with lean pocket pepperoni pizza sandwich

Me: "So much flavor in such a small package.... You my friend remind me of a sorority sister I once knew."

Lean Pocket Pepperoni Pizza Sandwich:

Me: "I think she was Alpha Delta Sigma or something along those lines. Those years well they were kind of a blur."

LPPPS:

Me: "I am pretty sure that is right though."

LPPS:

Me: " I really enjoyed her company."

LPPS:

Conversations with Clerks X15 (Back by popular demand)

Me: "I need a little bit of luck. How about a Quick Pick."

Clerk: "When I need luck I usually rub a bald man's head."

Me: "Heh."

Clerk: "Cheaper and all you know."

Me: "Right."

Clerk: "What's in the cup?"

Me: "Diet Dr. Pepper"

Clerk: "I myself am a RC Cola Girl."

Me: "Good for you. I say drink all the soda you can stand, the brand does not matter."

Clerk: "I disagree. I try not buy any product of large distributors."

Me: "Do you buy brand name tampons like kotex or whatever they are?"

Clerk: "Well, yes...."

Me: "Condoms?"

Clerk: "Yes."

Me: "STOP THE CORPORATE GREED. Do you have any cheetos? I am strangely hungry for some tasty cheese crisps. There is no substitute for CORPORATE GREED FILLED CHEESE PUFFS.

Conversations with clerks X14

Me: "Hi."

Clerk: "Just the cheetos."

Me: "Yup."

Clerk: "$1.29 please."

Me: "Do you have change for a $1.30?"

Clerk: "Are you some kind of comedian or just a dumbass?"

Me: "Huh?"

Clerk: "I prefer Tostitos chile lime chips."

Me: "I guess so."

Clerk: "Have you gotten laid lately?"

Me:

Clerk: "Damn dawg, hook a brother up with her friends."

Me:

Clerk: "Oh come on man at least tell me is she a blonde or brunette?"

Me:

Clerk: "Come on man tell me about it... I will even let you bum a cigarette."

Me: "I've got plenty."

Clerk: "Take your cheetos and go... You oppressor."

Scenes from the mail room of my apartment complex

Neighbor: "So.... anything exciting been happening?"

Me: "Not unless I was a Swedish Goose Hunter."

Neighbor: "Huh?"

Me: "Well, it appears as if John Roberts has jumped into the supreme court and the whole death with dignity thing*."

Neighbor: "Hmm."

Me: "You are in your golden years."

Neighbor: "I'm 45 I would say that these are the aluminum years."

Me: "On your death bed no chance of recovery... Your body writhes with pain, every day you lie in bed at night hoping to reach the other side. Your doctor offers you a medical procedure to help you..."

Neighbor: "I dunno Jess."

Me: "It's constitutional and all you know."

Neighbor: "Anything else going on?"

Me: "I approached the vehicle of one of my friends today, He had his phone on speaker phone and was listening to some lady get off on the other end."

Neighbor: "Phone sex?"

Me: "Well it appeared to be a little more one sided. He looked rather bored or perhaps he had finished already."

Neighbor: "What happened after that?"

Me: "Well, I walked away didn't I?"

Neighbor: "Did you talk to him about it?"

Me: "Yes, we had lunch, though I did not shake his hand just in case."

Neighbor: "What time of day was this?"

Me: "Lunch time."

Neighbor: "Did you know the lady?"

Me: "Dunno... Didn't recognize the screams."

Neighbor: "As you like to say unfuckingbelievable."

Really bad joke X2

I have warned before, and will do again. Do not open the extended entry unless you enjoy offensive material.

You have been warned.

Do you know what 6.9 is?

69 interupted by a period.

On the blog...

Oktoberfest Goldstein Style.

LOL - Last Throes Funniest stuff I have seen in a while.

Some people have another tequila sunrise, Mad Kane finds Another Bush Crisis just as refreshing.

Avedon is always such a tease.

Have you ever moved a horse without a horse trailer?

Angel of Meth?

Cheaper to go cruising?

Haiku for T X2

Well, I doubt you know
just how much you truly mean
to me, you're the world.

Why? Well... I dunno

Haiku for T X1

Why? Because she deserves it.

She makes me happy
I doubt I'm worthy of her
Alas I'm lucky.